I went to church today. As I sat in Sunday School, I couldn't help but think of the previous week when I taught Gospel Doctrine. Last week, my lesson did not go so well. I felt like I really struggled to get little, if any, class participation. It seemed that I was just not connecting with the group at all. I finished the lesson feeling very upset and down and sad that I couldn't quite get it together. This was also the weekend that we watched Aubrey and Brooke while Bryan and Ashley went to the BYU football game in Michigan. The whole weekend was incredibly difficult. We really struggled to just keep up. On Sunday, Josh had early meetings so I had six kids under the age of seven to get ready for church. AMAZINGLY we got to church on time but sacrament meeting was hard. We had stickers going and fruit snacks and color crayons and stories. I had to get up and leave with the kids three times. One of those times Daniel was yelling, "NO MOM!! DON'T HOLD ME. YOU'RE HURTING ME." It was rough! Straight after one of the hardest sacrament meetings of my life, I had to get up and give the gospel doctrine lesson. There were tons of people out that day because it was a holiday weekend. So, numbers were few, emotions were low, anxiety was high, and I had to pull it all together in about ten seconds to give my lesson. Exhaustion and forgetting to take my anti-depressant was a bad combination.
Anyways, back to today. I sat in church today during second hour thinking about how I don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't know if I can teach Gospel Doctrine anymore. It's hard to get the whole class going and feeling the spirit and feel good about the whole thing. I kept thinking, perhaps this was a mistake. I shouldn't be a teacher here where most people know way more than I do. I thought about what a great teacher Brother Dunford was and how I can never measure up to him. My nervousness for my next lesson began to swell and I started to feel overwhelmed. I leaned over to my husband and told him, "I don't know if I can keep doing this. Brother Dunford is a way better teacher than I am." He lovingly said to me, "That is Satan talking. Stop it!"
I then realized that all of these thoughts were indeed coming from Satan, not from God. These are things that the devil wants to put into my mind to weaken me, question me, question the calling that I received. I had to get those thoughts out. I don't want Satan in my head and heart.
I still feel very nervous about teaching again. I hope my next lesson doesn't go as poorly as my last one did. However, I know that I have to work hard and then just have faith that God will help me to teach with His spirit. It is so good for me to be able to separate truth from evil influences. When I can discern between what comes from God and what comes from Satan, I feel more confident in my abilities and in what God can help me to do. I know that He will be there to help me along my way.
