As a kid, you often think that life will be easier when you're an adult. You get to be your own boss, make your own choices, not have to worry about homework. You know, stuff like that. On the flip side, adults realize the carefree attitude that children get to posses. This week, I definitely felt the weight of being an adult. We are on the second week of school. The beginning of this week was greeted by a horribly depressive Monday. I know I have depression. I've accepted that. However, I often don't realize just how bad it is because I am taking anti-depressants. Every now and then, I have a really, really bad day. It feels as if I have no medication in my body and everything just feels numb.
This Monday was that day for me. I was so tired, (which is a side effect of the depression). I felt like it was hard to walk from one room to the next. It was too much to play with my sweet Jenna. It was too much to call my mom and tell her how I felt. It was too much to smile. I hate days like that. I guess those bad days are good in the sense that it keeps me humble. I have to be taught and retaught that I am in need of help. I don't have it all under control. I can't do it by myself. And that's okay.
I did end up calling my mom later that afternoon. I cried and cried to her. She's the best. She is so understanding and completely nonjudgmental when it comes to her kids. She just listened and sympathized with me and I could feel her support. It comes so naturally for her. Unfortunately, I am not like my mom in that way. I wish I was. I have to develop that characteristic. It's hard for me to always feel sympathetic. Hopefully, I will get better as my kids get older and are less whine-y than they are now.
My mom was pretty worried about me and called me later that night to see how I was doing. Things really had improved from earlier in the day. She asked me what was it that had helped me to turn things around. I thought for a second, thinking through the course of my day, when my mind landed on 5:30. What's so special about 5:30? That is the time that my true love walks through the door after a long, hard day at work. He comes in every day and greets me with a kiss. I hugged him and all of my worry and anxiety over the day meled away as he held me close. I know I am one of the lucky ones. I know most people don't have a love like we do. He is my source of comfort and peace. I love him dearly.
to finish later....
Monday, September 7, 2015
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Andrew's Service
There are just a few things rolling around in my head and Josh is at a meeting so I figured I would sit here and type. The house is quiet, the fan is blowing a gentle breeze. I can hear the hum of the fridge and my tired eyes are burning from a long day of exhaustion. It's a nice moment.
School has started again and it couldn't have come any sooner. I was very ready to be back in this type of routine. Dropping the kids off while they learn and play and socialize. All the while, I stay here at home with my two smallest, Jenna and Daniel. It's a good time to recoup from the day before, to connect with Daniel more intimately, and to enjoy the baby phase all by itself. It's only been three days but I'm already feeling rejuvenated.
Andrew has started his preschool at Wildwood Church. As I picked him up today from school, I asked the teacher how he did that day. She told me he had a hard time keeping his hands to himself. I guess it was a problem the day before too. He hit a little boy named Aiden on the playground. I was not surprised but I hated hearing it. I thought that Andrew would be more timid and more well behaved in the beginning of the year. I wanted Andrew to know that this was a serious thing. I didn't want it to be a joke or made light hearted. We had a good talk. I suggested making a chart where he could put a sticker for every day that he didn't hit anyone. After five days, I will take him to get some ice-cream as a reward. After that, we didn't talk about it again.
Fast forward to later in the afternoon. The boys were reading their books while I got dressed for the day, at 2:00 in the afternoon. I had just stepped out of a hot shower. It felt so good to get clean, not to mention the fact that I had my bathroom all to myself. I love turning on a conference talk and listening to the words of church leaders. It really invites the spirit. I listened to one talk about Joseph Smith. It was good. I gained some good perspective as I listened. When it ended, I was only half way done with my make-up so I let it play. The next talk was powerful and I felt the spirit speak to my heart. The theme was how we, as mothers, are responsible for teaching the gospel to our children in our home. Several great examples were shared but what I heard speak to my heart was that I could do more for Andrew. I could let this hitting/time-out instance turn into a real learning experience. I called Andrew in. We talked again about the incident. I told him that one way we can make things right again is by doing service for the one that we wronged. I asked him if he wanted to make a card for Aiden. He did. He came back with a little sign, written in Crayola marker, that said, "I'm sorry". He stuffed it in his back pack and away he went. We talked some more and he's going to give his little note to the little boy. I know a note doesn't sound like much but the principle is there. If we wrong someone, we can say sorry and move on but the better way is to also serve. Service brings love. Service brings forgiveness.
Andrew is the sweetest boy this world has to offer. He is aggressive but his heart is as pure as gold. I sat on the couch watching, "Call the Midwife" tonight. Andrew kept coming out of his bed to show me how much he had read in the Book of Mormon Stories picture book. He was so proud of himself. He told me that he just wanted to do what was right. I love his sweet heart.
School has started again and it couldn't have come any sooner. I was very ready to be back in this type of routine. Dropping the kids off while they learn and play and socialize. All the while, I stay here at home with my two smallest, Jenna and Daniel. It's a good time to recoup from the day before, to connect with Daniel more intimately, and to enjoy the baby phase all by itself. It's only been three days but I'm already feeling rejuvenated.
Andrew has started his preschool at Wildwood Church. As I picked him up today from school, I asked the teacher how he did that day. She told me he had a hard time keeping his hands to himself. I guess it was a problem the day before too. He hit a little boy named Aiden on the playground. I was not surprised but I hated hearing it. I thought that Andrew would be more timid and more well behaved in the beginning of the year. I wanted Andrew to know that this was a serious thing. I didn't want it to be a joke or made light hearted. We had a good talk. I suggested making a chart where he could put a sticker for every day that he didn't hit anyone. After five days, I will take him to get some ice-cream as a reward. After that, we didn't talk about it again.
Fast forward to later in the afternoon. The boys were reading their books while I got dressed for the day, at 2:00 in the afternoon. I had just stepped out of a hot shower. It felt so good to get clean, not to mention the fact that I had my bathroom all to myself. I love turning on a conference talk and listening to the words of church leaders. It really invites the spirit. I listened to one talk about Joseph Smith. It was good. I gained some good perspective as I listened. When it ended, I was only half way done with my make-up so I let it play. The next talk was powerful and I felt the spirit speak to my heart. The theme was how we, as mothers, are responsible for teaching the gospel to our children in our home. Several great examples were shared but what I heard speak to my heart was that I could do more for Andrew. I could let this hitting/time-out instance turn into a real learning experience. I called Andrew in. We talked again about the incident. I told him that one way we can make things right again is by doing service for the one that we wronged. I asked him if he wanted to make a card for Aiden. He did. He came back with a little sign, written in Crayola marker, that said, "I'm sorry". He stuffed it in his back pack and away he went. We talked some more and he's going to give his little note to the little boy. I know a note doesn't sound like much but the principle is there. If we wrong someone, we can say sorry and move on but the better way is to also serve. Service brings love. Service brings forgiveness.
Andrew is the sweetest boy this world has to offer. He is aggressive but his heart is as pure as gold. I sat on the couch watching, "Call the Midwife" tonight. Andrew kept coming out of his bed to show me how much he had read in the Book of Mormon Stories picture book. He was so proud of himself. He told me that he just wanted to do what was right. I love his sweet heart.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Struggling
Being a mom is not easy. It never has been. Don't get me wrong. There are plenty of moments that are filled with love and laughter and happy memories. Today was hard though. Having four little kids means that there is at least two people screaming at all times, milk and juice spilled all over the ground every day, poopy messes to clean up and tantrums to discipline. It's a tough job. Some things in life give you an instant result. If I bake rolls for 20 minutes in the oven, they will turn out golden brown. If I pay my electric bill, my lights will work. The jobs of a mother are complex and the result of happy, successful children may not manifest right away.
I woke up this morning thinking how I want to make today about the kids. I don't want to be running tons of errands or scrubbing my floors all day. I want to make today fun and carefree. However, my attempts seem to have failed. I let the kids go swimming but the fighting got so bad that we threw in the towel. I tried doing crafts and stories with the kids, but everything was wrong and complained about. It seems that all I tried to do today was met with an ungrateful heart and annoyed disposition. That's why being a mom is hard. I want to connect with my kids emotionally and show them that I do things with them to show them my love. When those moments turn out to be memories I'd rather NOT remember, I scratch my head and wonder where I went wrong. I'm just not sure what to do.
I am going to ask Josh to give me a blessing so I can get some more guidance. I need some desperately. It always helps talking to my friends who have kids the same age. I'll see them tomorrow, so hopefully they will have some more advice for me.
Til next time....
I woke up this morning thinking how I want to make today about the kids. I don't want to be running tons of errands or scrubbing my floors all day. I want to make today fun and carefree. However, my attempts seem to have failed. I let the kids go swimming but the fighting got so bad that we threw in the towel. I tried doing crafts and stories with the kids, but everything was wrong and complained about. It seems that all I tried to do today was met with an ungrateful heart and annoyed disposition. That's why being a mom is hard. I want to connect with my kids emotionally and show them that I do things with them to show them my love. When those moments turn out to be memories I'd rather NOT remember, I scratch my head and wonder where I went wrong. I'm just not sure what to do.
I am going to ask Josh to give me a blessing so I can get some more guidance. I need some desperately. It always helps talking to my friends who have kids the same age. I'll see them tomorrow, so hopefully they will have some more advice for me.
Til next time....
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Thoughts on Scripture Reading
This is my first blog post. I've been thinking the past few days how I wish I still journaled. I wish I were better at documenting the little thoughts that pop into my mind every day. I think it's important and a big key to receiving revelation. I've had times in my life when I have been really diligent with my journal writing, and it's been quite a spiritual experience. Sometimes when I'm journaling, I feel more like I'm praying. I could use that kind of spirit in my life. Now and always.
Today my thoughts are on scripture reading. Last night it was late, we were going into the bathroom to brush our teeth and I had the thought, "did you read your scriptures today?" My mind raced throughout all I did that day and I came to the conclusion that I had forgotten to read. I whipped out my phone, clicked on my gospel library, hoping for a short chapter, and landed on 2 Nephi 9. As I sat in our recliner with my toothbrush buzzing in my hand, I realized I was really a truly special chapter. I marked many verses that stuck out to me. Verse 18 talks about how the earth was created for US! The earth wasn't created and we were the afterthought. No, all that is around us and all that we experience every day was made, planned, created because our Heavenly Father wants us to be able to progress. He gave us the beauty of the earth to help us along the way. He knew we would need pretty sunsets and clear blue days. He also knew we would need rain and flowers and oceans to appeal to our senses. This earth is truly so magnificent and we often forget to see the miracle that is staring us in the face. It's glorious.
In verse 40 of this same chapter, it talks about how the righteous do not fear evil but love truth. It says that the righteous are not shaken. I think this verse sums up my husband incredibly well. This is Josh! He is so unmovable. It amazes me how nothing that the world is coming up with today even phases him. I think Heavenly Father gave me him for many reasons but I think this was the number one reason by far. I have had to rely on his faith before. I feel incredibly stronger as a result of his testimony. I feel that I am more able to stand firm myself because of his example.
Anyways, last night I had the spirit witness to me once again of the power of doing what's right. In this case, it was having daily scripture study. It really filled me with truth and I was so grateful for the strength to do what was right. I am trying to make it a point every day to feel the spirit in my life. I can't do it though if I spend all of my time online and then five minutes on scripture study. I'm grateful to have so much access to so much good and I want to fill my life with it.
Today my thoughts are on scripture reading. Last night it was late, we were going into the bathroom to brush our teeth and I had the thought, "did you read your scriptures today?" My mind raced throughout all I did that day and I came to the conclusion that I had forgotten to read. I whipped out my phone, clicked on my gospel library, hoping for a short chapter, and landed on 2 Nephi 9. As I sat in our recliner with my toothbrush buzzing in my hand, I realized I was really a truly special chapter. I marked many verses that stuck out to me. Verse 18 talks about how the earth was created for US! The earth wasn't created and we were the afterthought. No, all that is around us and all that we experience every day was made, planned, created because our Heavenly Father wants us to be able to progress. He gave us the beauty of the earth to help us along the way. He knew we would need pretty sunsets and clear blue days. He also knew we would need rain and flowers and oceans to appeal to our senses. This earth is truly so magnificent and we often forget to see the miracle that is staring us in the face. It's glorious.
In verse 40 of this same chapter, it talks about how the righteous do not fear evil but love truth. It says that the righteous are not shaken. I think this verse sums up my husband incredibly well. This is Josh! He is so unmovable. It amazes me how nothing that the world is coming up with today even phases him. I think Heavenly Father gave me him for many reasons but I think this was the number one reason by far. I have had to rely on his faith before. I feel incredibly stronger as a result of his testimony. I feel that I am more able to stand firm myself because of his example.
Anyways, last night I had the spirit witness to me once again of the power of doing what's right. In this case, it was having daily scripture study. It really filled me with truth and I was so grateful for the strength to do what was right. I am trying to make it a point every day to feel the spirit in my life. I can't do it though if I spend all of my time online and then five minutes on scripture study. I'm grateful to have so much access to so much good and I want to fill my life with it.
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