Feeling the Spirit

Today was a good day.  We went to church with cold hands and toes but were warmed by the spirit.  It was my turn to teach Gospel Doctrine.  I'm really liking this calling a lot.  It is so good for me because it is pushing me to study in a way that I may not push myself on my own.  Today's lesson was on faith.  I'm sure that everyone in that room has had countless lessons on faith before.  I think we all came together and shared our different insights and as a result, we all learned together.  I am slowly learning how to let the spirit lead my lesson and not my own agenda.  Today I was able to do that and it made all the difference.  The real objective for Gospel Doctrine is to be taught by the spirit, not by me.

This has been a hard week for us.  Well, it's been a hard week for me at least.  I called a therapist this week for Anna.  Anna is the most amazing girl with the best heart, but she is really struggling right now.  Josh and I feel like we've tried everything that we know how to help her and nothing seems to be working.  We really need to seek professional help.  I had a breakdown this week as I called to set up our first appointment.  The place is called "The Georgia Center for OCD and Anxiety."  When I read those words and made that phone call, I just lost it.  I felt like I had failed Anna as a mom.  I can't get through to her.  Maybe she's acting this way because of me and how I've raised her.  Why can't I make things better myself?  Does Anna have OCD?  Does she suffer from anxiety?  Is there something wrong inside her mind and she's trapped and dealing with it in the only way she knows how?

These were all of the thoughts running through my head.  I just cried and cried all day and into the night.  After we saw the therapist, I felt much better just because I was reminded that we do NEED this.  This is not normal.  We need help as parents and she needs help as a little girl learning how to grow up.  The thing is, I suffer with depression and it's awful.  It's a hard thing for me to deal with and when it's flared up, I feel like I can't control my emotions.  When I realized that Anna may be having those same kind of struggles, my heart began to ache for her.  I certainly don't want her to suffer in the same way that I suffer.  I certainly don't want her to feel trapped and chained by this emotional turmoil that is brewing inside of her.  My hope is that this therapist will really be able to give Anna the tools that she needs to take all of those raging feelings and control them.  This whole experience has been a good thing for me because it has certainly made my love and empathy for Anna grow.  I am her mom for a reason.  I am here to help her through these hard times and to love her more and more because of it.  That's my own personal goal in all of this.  I just want to show her that I'm here and that I always, always will love her.

This week has been really hard behavior-wise for Anna.  She's been especially hard on Andrew.  She can really hurt him with her words, and that is exactly what happened this week.  Josh had some alone time with Andrew this week and explained what is going on with Anna.  He told him that she's going to see a therapist to help her learn how to be kinder.  Josh encouraged Andrew to just be kind even when she's being mean because Anna is just having a hard time right now and we all just need to be there for her.  Well, it's no surprise to me but Andrew has been doing so wonderfully with this.  He hasn't been retaliating or getting overly upset, or yelling, or anything like that.  He's been helpful and patient and kind.  It's been so impressive to Josh and me.  I was driving home with him the other day and I was giving him praise for doing such a good job with all of this.  He then whispered, "I've never felt like this before."  I asked him what he was talking about and he response was, "I feel like I'm so happy that I need to cry."  My heart melted.  I told him that was the spirit speaking to him and telling him that Heavenly Father was pleased with his efforts.  It was such a sweet, tender moment.  I know Andrew has felt the spirit before but this was the first time that he really recognized it himself without too much prompting.  It was a great experience.

Fasting and the Christmas Spirit

It's been almost two months since I wrote on this blog.  I feel the pricking of the heart and know I need to be better at recording my thoughts and feelings.  Today was fast Sunday.  I didn't think about it until Josh kissed me goodbye this morning and reminded me.  I usually like to prepare for a fast by eating a big meal before I start!  Ha!  I know that's not exactly what I should do but nonetheless, that is how it usually works out.  So, even though my belly wasn't ready I decided to go forward and fast anyways.  Today my fast is for Anna.  I am fasting in hopes of feeling more love for that sweet girl of mine.  Anna is truly a special person with wonderful attributes.  She can be so amazing and helpful and kind.  However, lately we haven't seen any of those amazing qualities come out.  Instead we are really, really struggling to find peace.  Anna has a really hard time being kind to her siblings and to me and Josh.  She yells at everyone and just seems like an unhappy child.  It's tearing all of us down in the worst way.  Josh and I are going to seek professional help because we are at a loss as to what needs to be done next.  We do know that a change has to happen in our family.  We just can't keep going like this.  So, today my fast is for her.  It is also for me to feel more sympathy and love for her.  I often find myself not feeling any sympathy when she is acting out the way she does.  Without me feeling that, no progress can be made.  It's been hard but I know that this can improve and fasting is a great first step.

On another note, we are about to move into our new house.  We are so excited!  This has been the longest six months of our lives.  We are really hoping for relief and peace to come when we get a little more space.  The house looks beautiful.  Everything about it is my favorite.  I really love how everything turned out and I think it's somewhere that we can be really happy at.

It seems like the older I get, the harder life seems.  The weight of just every day burdens sometimes feels overwhelming to me.  My depression has been much better lately but my anxiety often makes my heart race.  I haven't been feeling very spiritually in tuned lately and I realize AGAIN that reading and studying the scriptures and praying with real intent is what makes such a difference.  I just can't feel the spirit like I need to without any of those elements missing.  It's vital.  It's such a simple thing but it truly is the key to unlocking the influence of the Holy Ghost.  I find myself often shocked by what power the Holy Ghost provides.  I feel confused, angry, doubtful, self conscious, vengeful, and many other bad things when I don't have the Holy Ghost with me.  I have learned that I really do need the CONSTANT companionship that the Holy Ghost can provide just to be happy.

The Church has launched a "Light the World" program.  For 25 days in December, we do acts of service that mimic the Savior's Life.  For example, Jesus Christ honored His father and mother so one day was devoted to that.  I wrote my parents an email telling them how much I appreciate all that they have done and continue to do for me.  One day was easing another's burdens so I did one of the "honey do" items that I initially would have asked Josh to do.  Today is worship the Lord thy God.  Besides just going to church to worship, I want to say a special prayer of just thanks to God.  Thanks for all of the many blessings around me.  I won't ask for anything, just give thanks.  I truly am grateful for all I have and I know that God is where all of my blessings come from.  I love this "Light the World" initiative and I'm hoping it will change my heart.  I'm hoping it will bring me closer to the Savior and help me to feel more of God's love for me.

It's amazing to me how every time I turn back to the Savior, I feel at peace and happy.  Any confusion or doubt or negativity goes away.  The Lord doesn't work through those means.  That is Satan's way.  I'm grateful for a loving God who only provides light and truth and hope.