Today was a good day. We went to church with cold hands and toes but were warmed by the spirit. It was my turn to teach Gospel Doctrine. I'm really liking this calling a lot. It is so good for me because it is pushing me to study in a way that I may not push myself on my own. Today's lesson was on faith. I'm sure that everyone in that room has had countless lessons on faith before. I think we all came together and shared our different insights and as a result, we all learned together. I am slowly learning how to let the spirit lead my lesson and not my own agenda. Today I was able to do that and it made all the difference. The real objective for Gospel Doctrine is to be taught by the spirit, not by me.
This has been a hard week for us. Well, it's been a hard week for me at least. I called a therapist this week for Anna. Anna is the most amazing girl with the best heart, but she is really struggling right now. Josh and I feel like we've tried everything that we know how to help her and nothing seems to be working. We really need to seek professional help. I had a breakdown this week as I called to set up our first appointment. The place is called "The Georgia Center for OCD and Anxiety." When I read those words and made that phone call, I just lost it. I felt like I had failed Anna as a mom. I can't get through to her. Maybe she's acting this way because of me and how I've raised her. Why can't I make things better myself? Does Anna have OCD? Does she suffer from anxiety? Is there something wrong inside her mind and she's trapped and dealing with it in the only way she knows how?
These were all of the thoughts running through my head. I just cried and cried all day and into the night. After we saw the therapist, I felt much better just because I was reminded that we do NEED this. This is not normal. We need help as parents and she needs help as a little girl learning how to grow up. The thing is, I suffer with depression and it's awful. It's a hard thing for me to deal with and when it's flared up, I feel like I can't control my emotions. When I realized that Anna may be having those same kind of struggles, my heart began to ache for her. I certainly don't want her to suffer in the same way that I suffer. I certainly don't want her to feel trapped and chained by this emotional turmoil that is brewing inside of her. My hope is that this therapist will really be able to give Anna the tools that she needs to take all of those raging feelings and control them. This whole experience has been a good thing for me because it has certainly made my love and empathy for Anna grow. I am her mom for a reason. I am here to help her through these hard times and to love her more and more because of it. That's my own personal goal in all of this. I just want to show her that I'm here and that I always, always will love her.
This week has been really hard behavior-wise for Anna. She's been especially hard on Andrew. She can really hurt him with her words, and that is exactly what happened this week. Josh had some alone time with Andrew this week and explained what is going on with Anna. He told him that she's going to see a therapist to help her learn how to be kinder. Josh encouraged Andrew to just be kind even when she's being mean because Anna is just having a hard time right now and we all just need to be there for her. Well, it's no surprise to me but Andrew has been doing so wonderfully with this. He hasn't been retaliating or getting overly upset, or yelling, or anything like that. He's been helpful and patient and kind. It's been so impressive to Josh and me. I was driving home with him the other day and I was giving him praise for doing such a good job with all of this. He then whispered, "I've never felt like this before." I asked him what he was talking about and he response was, "I feel like I'm so happy that I need to cry." My heart melted. I told him that was the spirit speaking to him and telling him that Heavenly Father was pleased with his efforts. It was such a sweet, tender moment. I know Andrew has felt the spirit before but this was the first time that he really recognized it himself without too much prompting. It was a great experience.
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