It's been almost two months since I wrote on this blog. I feel the pricking of the heart and know I need to be better at recording my thoughts and feelings. Today was fast Sunday. I didn't think about it until Josh kissed me goodbye this morning and reminded me. I usually like to prepare for a fast by eating a big meal before I start! Ha! I know that's not exactly what I should do but nonetheless, that is how it usually works out. So, even though my belly wasn't ready I decided to go forward and fast anyways. Today my fast is for Anna. I am fasting in hopes of feeling more love for that sweet girl of mine. Anna is truly a special person with wonderful attributes. She can be so amazing and helpful and kind. However, lately we haven't seen any of those amazing qualities come out. Instead we are really, really struggling to find peace. Anna has a really hard time being kind to her siblings and to me and Josh. She yells at everyone and just seems like an unhappy child. It's tearing all of us down in the worst way. Josh and I are going to seek professional help because we are at a loss as to what needs to be done next. We do know that a change has to happen in our family. We just can't keep going like this. So, today my fast is for her. It is also for me to feel more sympathy and love for her. I often find myself not feeling any sympathy when she is acting out the way she does. Without me feeling that, no progress can be made. It's been hard but I know that this can improve and fasting is a great first step.
On another note, we are about to move into our new house. We are so excited! This has been the longest six months of our lives. We are really hoping for relief and peace to come when we get a little more space. The house looks beautiful. Everything about it is my favorite. I really love how everything turned out and I think it's somewhere that we can be really happy at.
It seems like the older I get, the harder life seems. The weight of just every day burdens sometimes feels overwhelming to me. My depression has been much better lately but my anxiety often makes my heart race. I haven't been feeling very spiritually in tuned lately and I realize AGAIN that reading and studying the scriptures and praying with real intent is what makes such a difference. I just can't feel the spirit like I need to without any of those elements missing. It's vital. It's such a simple thing but it truly is the key to unlocking the influence of the Holy Ghost. I find myself often shocked by what power the Holy Ghost provides. I feel confused, angry, doubtful, self conscious, vengeful, and many other bad things when I don't have the Holy Ghost with me. I have learned that I really do need the CONSTANT companionship that the Holy Ghost can provide just to be happy.
The Church has launched a "Light the World" program. For 25 days in December, we do acts of service that mimic the Savior's Life. For example, Jesus Christ honored His father and mother so one day was devoted to that. I wrote my parents an email telling them how much I appreciate all that they have done and continue to do for me. One day was easing another's burdens so I did one of the "honey do" items that I initially would have asked Josh to do. Today is worship the Lord thy God. Besides just going to church to worship, I want to say a special prayer of just thanks to God. Thanks for all of the many blessings around me. I won't ask for anything, just give thanks. I truly am grateful for all I have and I know that God is where all of my blessings come from. I love this "Light the World" initiative and I'm hoping it will change my heart. I'm hoping it will bring me closer to the Savior and help me to feel more of God's love for me.
It's amazing to me how every time I turn back to the Savior, I feel at peace and happy. Any confusion or doubt or negativity goes away. The Lord doesn't work through those means. That is Satan's way. I'm grateful for a loving God who only provides light and truth and hope.
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