Feeling Good Today

I feel good today.  In fact, I feel better today than I have in a while.  A lot of times, there is no rhyme or reason as to why or when I have good days.  I'm just grateful for when they come.
We went to the splash pad today.  It was kind of small but the kids loved it.  Well, most of the kids loved it.  Jenna was very unsure of the whole thing.  She would occasionally venture off on her own but only like five steps in front of me.  I've noticed that Jenna seems to have a hard time in new situations.  I'm sure it's just an age thing.  She often cries or has a look of terror on her face while we try something new.  I love her to death.  I love watching Jenna run and seeing her sweet curls bounce as she goes.  It just about melts me every time.
Anna has been super helpful today.  I was downstairs taking care of some things for lunch and without asking, she took Jenna upstairs and got her dressed from her swimsuit into some dry clothes.  Anna told me it was "stressful."  I was so proud of her though for having such a sweet, mothering nature about her.  Anna has just seemed so much older recently.  I think I'm going to really like having older kids.  It's fun to talk to them and see how easily ideas and thoughts come together.  We've had to keep Anna up late every night since we moved here because the girls are now sharing a room.  We put Jenna down to bed first and Anna has to wait for her to fall asleep before she can go in.  We tried doing it the other way for a couple of days but it was disastrous.  Anna has been such a champ with it all.  I'm so grateful for her positive attitude.  Josh and I have really enjoyed having the older kids to ourselves at night time.  It's nice to give them some one on one attention without any interruptions.

Moving to Georgia

Josh and I are trying to get pregnant so I have cut down on my anti-depression medicine.  I thought it would be much harder than it is but I've done surprisingly well.  When I first started cutting back on my dosage, there were times that were really rough.  It even got so bad one day that I had some kind of episode.  We had gone on a family run one Saturday morning.  I was feeling pretty depressed before we left and then the run turned out to be kind of a disaster.  The kids were whining and fighting, I felt tired, Josh and I weren't exactly seeing eye to eye.  By the time we got home, we were all upset and ready to be done.  We had planned to clean out the garage so I sat down and started to get to work.  I felt super strange and the room was spinning.  It all of the sudden became very hard for me to sit up.  It's like all of my energy left my body and then I just lost it.  I have never had such a bizarre experience.  It is hard to explain what happened exactly.  I was crying uncontrollably.  I didn't have the strength to sit up or even to open my eyes.  It's like I was there but not there.  I felt like I wasn't quite in a conscious state but I was at the same time.  I even started twitching at one time.  This went on for like 45 minutes.  I finally got enough strength to sit up.  We called my mom, unsure of what just happened.  I felt pretty weak the rest of the day.  Josh made me some lunch and then I took a nap.  I felt better after I slept but the whole experience was strange and exhausting.
That was the worst of my "withdrawal" from the medicine.  I'm now taking 1/4 of my dosage.  I've had a few harder days recently but we also just moved to GA, we're in a small apartment, the kids are home for the summer, and overall I'm feeling cooped up.  It's really not that bad but I feel like I have a new determination to start journaling more.  Yesterday the Church released a video on depression.  Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was the key speaker in it and as I watched it, I realized something.  I haven't been including God in my journey of depression like I should.  I pray for help to be happy each day but that's all I do.  I prayed last night to have help in including God in this major part of my life.  As I was praying, I felt a prompting to write in my journal.  In fact, I have felt that same prompting several times over the last few weeks and I haven't done anything about it.  I think that journaling will be God's way of helping me to cope with my emotions.  It's inspiration and I believe this will help.

It's amazing to me how much I grew to love my Florida family.  We were so blessed to be in such a wonderful ward.  The people we met there were so kind and helpful and filled with the spirit of the Lord.  Moving to Georgia has been fun and exciting but also lonely.  I know that it takes time to develop relationships but as we go through that time, it is a lonely feeling.  I've found myself second guessing my character and my what I thought were strengths.  Perhaps what I thought were once strengths are not as solid as I imagined.  I get anxiety when I go into a large group of people who I don't know.  It's hard for me to interject myself.  It's hard for me to feel comfortable talking to large groups of people who I know nothing about.  I've realized about myself that I am much more comfortable talking one on one or in small groups.  Large groups overwhelm me.  I start to feel my heart rate go up and I become short of breath.  I miss my Florida family.  I remember when we moved to Florida that I missed my St. Louis family.  I know that I will develop a great love for the people here.  I'm sure of it.  I know it takes time.  It's just a lonely wait.

I feel disgusting.  I feel sad and angry and like I want to just give up on everything.  I want to give up being a mom and a wife and just living.  I hate it all.  I can't seem to do anything right.  I'm just so mad.  When I'm mad, everyone is mad at me for not being happy.  Today was supposed to be a good day.  We were going to go meet Josh at school and see his new office.  We were going to have lunch with him and enjoy an hour together.  Instead it was incredibly awkward, forced, and filled with tension and hard feelings.  Josh was mad at me because I supposedly snapped at him.  I was mad at the kids.  The kids were mad at each other.  It was awful.  Just plain awful.  I feel like I can barely make it here.  I can't handle feeling like this.  I literally want to just curl up and be left alone.  Being alone doesn't help.  It makes it worse.  So I feel trapped.
I know that none of this should be how I feel but it is.  I have nothing else to say.  I just want to escape.