Josh and I are trying to get pregnant so I have cut down on my anti-depression medicine. I thought it would be much harder than it is but I've done surprisingly well. When I first started cutting back on my dosage, there were times that were really rough. It even got so bad one day that I had some kind of episode. We had gone on a family run one Saturday morning. I was feeling pretty depressed before we left and then the run turned out to be kind of a disaster. The kids were whining and fighting, I felt tired, Josh and I weren't exactly seeing eye to eye. By the time we got home, we were all upset and ready to be done. We had planned to clean out the garage so I sat down and started to get to work. I felt super strange and the room was spinning. It all of the sudden became very hard for me to sit up. It's like all of my energy left my body and then I just lost it. I have never had such a bizarre experience. It is hard to explain what happened exactly. I was crying uncontrollably. I didn't have the strength to sit up or even to open my eyes. It's like I was there but not there. I felt like I wasn't quite in a conscious state but I was at the same time. I even started twitching at one time. This went on for like 45 minutes. I finally got enough strength to sit up. We called my mom, unsure of what just happened. I felt pretty weak the rest of the day. Josh made me some lunch and then I took a nap. I felt better after I slept but the whole experience was strange and exhausting.
That was the worst of my "withdrawal" from the medicine. I'm now taking 1/4 of my dosage. I've had a few harder days recently but we also just moved to GA, we're in a small apartment, the kids are home for the summer, and overall I'm feeling cooped up. It's really not that bad but I feel like I have a new determination to start journaling more. Yesterday the Church released a video on depression. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was the key speaker in it and as I watched it, I realized something. I haven't been including God in my journey of depression like I should. I pray for help to be happy each day but that's all I do. I prayed last night to have help in including God in this major part of my life. As I was praying, I felt a prompting to write in my journal. In fact, I have felt that same prompting several times over the last few weeks and I haven't done anything about it. I think that journaling will be God's way of helping me to cope with my emotions. It's inspiration and I believe this will help.
It's amazing to me how much I grew to love my Florida family. We were so blessed to be in such a wonderful ward. The people we met there were so kind and helpful and filled with the spirit of the Lord. Moving to Georgia has been fun and exciting but also lonely. I know that it takes time to develop relationships but as we go through that time, it is a lonely feeling. I've found myself second guessing my character and my what I thought were strengths. Perhaps what I thought were once strengths are not as solid as I imagined. I get anxiety when I go into a large group of people who I don't know. It's hard for me to interject myself. It's hard for me to feel comfortable talking to large groups of people who I know nothing about. I've realized about myself that I am much more comfortable talking one on one or in small groups. Large groups overwhelm me. I start to feel my heart rate go up and I become short of breath. I miss my Florida family. I remember when we moved to Florida that I missed my St. Louis family. I know that I will develop a great love for the people here. I'm sure of it. I know it takes time. It's just a lonely wait.
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