As I was sweeping today, I had a few thoughts that I feel like I should record. Sweeping must be a very methodical time for me because I have often received revelation while doing it. Ha!
My first thought is about a Gospel Doctrine lesson that I taught a few months ago. The lesson was on faith, and it went really well. Sometimes, you leave a lesson knowing that you said what you wanted to say and it went how you wanted it to go. This lesson was kind of like that but different in the fact that when I left that lesson, I had the distinct thought, "Oh, so that's how it feels to teach by letting the Spirit lead." I certainly have felt inspired and felt the Spirit in my other lessons before but this particular time was different. I felt like I completely followed the Spirit, instead of only at instances. There was a time during that lesson that I felt prompted to say something, so I did. I even told the class, I don't know why I need to say this, (and it was kind of off topic), but I feel prompted to say something. There have been more lessons than not where I have prepared and prepared and then once I get up to teach, it all starts connecting and it is only THEN that I see how it all fits together. A lot of those links come from the comments I receive during the discussion. I can't predict what the people are going to say or bring up. However, with the help of the Spirit, we are all taught and edified. It's an incredible thing.
The second thought I had was about something that Anna did last week at school. All of the girls in her class were teaming up and making fun of a girl named Mary Beth. Even Anna's best friend, Keira, was going in on the "fun". Anna, however, chose a different path. Anna chose to be Mary Beth's friend. She went and hung out with Mary Beth and stayed with her while all of the other girls chose to be mean. Josh talked about this experience in his Primary lesson this past Sunday. He asked the kids what they would do if they saw someone making fun of a person in their class. All of the kids said that they would either go tell the teacher or they would tell the mean kids to stop. Not one of them said that they would go stand by the one who was hurting. That's exactly what Anna did though. She went and comforted the person that was hurting and stood with them when no one else would. She didn't give into peer pressure. She chose the right, even when it was hard to. She chose the right even when her best friend didn't. She chose the right when the majority didn't. I was so proud of Anna for making such a great decision. I think that the Spirit really increased in her heart that day. I know it did in mine.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Thursday, January 26, 2017
2017, A New Year
It's a new year and we're in a new house. We moved into our Cumberland Trail house about a month and a half ago. We are loving every minute of it. The house is so beautiful and has more room than we can use right now. We are so happy with how everything turned out. It truly does feel like ours. It's an empty house right now but we're okay with that. We had to put down 20% so it basically drained our bank account. Now, we're just trying to build it back up again. The stress level and anxiety in our family has drastically gone down since moving here. I think we all needed our space and oh, what a difference it has made. The kids spend a lot of time outside on the trampoline. It's been so nice to watch them jump outside while I'm cleaning the kitchen. They have been getting along so much better. It's been wonderful.
We also started taking Anna to a therapist to help her understand and deal with her anxiety. The therapist's name is Kasey Brown, and she's wonderful. I didn't really think that Kasey could do much to help Anna but we have certainly seen a dramatic improvement in her behavior. We certainly still have bad moments of tantrums and yelling but they are fewer and farther in between. We've started using a script with Anna when we either need her to start doing something or to stop. It's worked wonders. It's crazy how just changing the words we say to her will help her to understand and get calm. I am so incredibly grateful for the help we're getting. I think this will benefit Anna throughout her life. What a wonderful resource this is for her. Each therapy session is $135 and we go once a week. I don't know if we've ever spent money so wisely. Anna is a happier person now, and so are we. We've even started using her therapy tools on the other kids and it's been working wonderfully.
Anna was baptized about two weeks ago. It was a wonderful experience for all of us. She was so, so nervous though. I thought she might throw up! She did great though and was so happy all weekend. Dave and Linda flew in from CA. Anna really loved having them here. Eight is a big birthday in our house. Anna was able to get her ears pierced. I thought she might actually pass out. It was pretty rough there for a little while. She cried a lot but is super happy with the result now. Her earrings are so cute. They are little diamond flowers. She now claims that it was no big deal, but it certainly was a big deal when it was happening. She gets that from her mama. We also threw Anna a big Harry Potter birthday party the following week. It was such a blast. The kids had the best time. Sometimes you can do a lot of work for a party and it flops, but not this time. It was a huge success. We had a sorting hat to put the kids in their different schools. I used a twister board and they spun to see which one they were assigned to go. They had to wear the sorting hat, of course. We had Olivander's Wand Shoppe. They were blindfolded and had to let the wand choose them, not them choose the wand. We had made tons of paper wands out of hot glue and paint. They then had to go running through platform nine and three quarters to enter Hogwarts. We then had a potions class. We had kool aid and dry ice that they made their potions out of. They used droppers to mix their brew into little bottles with a corked lid. We also had an Owl Post where they made birthday cards for Anna and put them in the Owl Post. Then there was a scavenger hunt because someone stole all of the gold out of Gringott's Bank. The kids had to find the gold and return it back to Gringott's, then they kept some of it for themselves. The coins were those gold chocolate coins. We finished in the Great Hall where they ate Dementor Kisses, which were just kisses. We had Hufflepuffs, which were cheetos. We had sour slugs, candied sour worms, and Polyjuice Potion. It was a blast. Anna was so happy, so we knew it was all worth it.
Now, life can just be calm. I'm so excited to not have any big things coming up. My stress level has gone down and I'm really looking forward to just relaxing. However, I just got called to be in YW, so maybe my stress level is just starting. I was really sad when I learned that I wouldn't be the gospel doctrine teacher anymore. I really, really loved that calling. It was such a great experience for me.
We're about to head to the dentist. Daniel has his first appointment today. Saying lots of prayers that he doesn't totally lose it.
We also started taking Anna to a therapist to help her understand and deal with her anxiety. The therapist's name is Kasey Brown, and she's wonderful. I didn't really think that Kasey could do much to help Anna but we have certainly seen a dramatic improvement in her behavior. We certainly still have bad moments of tantrums and yelling but they are fewer and farther in between. We've started using a script with Anna when we either need her to start doing something or to stop. It's worked wonders. It's crazy how just changing the words we say to her will help her to understand and get calm. I am so incredibly grateful for the help we're getting. I think this will benefit Anna throughout her life. What a wonderful resource this is for her. Each therapy session is $135 and we go once a week. I don't know if we've ever spent money so wisely. Anna is a happier person now, and so are we. We've even started using her therapy tools on the other kids and it's been working wonderfully.
Anna was baptized about two weeks ago. It was a wonderful experience for all of us. She was so, so nervous though. I thought she might throw up! She did great though and was so happy all weekend. Dave and Linda flew in from CA. Anna really loved having them here. Eight is a big birthday in our house. Anna was able to get her ears pierced. I thought she might actually pass out. It was pretty rough there for a little while. She cried a lot but is super happy with the result now. Her earrings are so cute. They are little diamond flowers. She now claims that it was no big deal, but it certainly was a big deal when it was happening. She gets that from her mama. We also threw Anna a big Harry Potter birthday party the following week. It was such a blast. The kids had the best time. Sometimes you can do a lot of work for a party and it flops, but not this time. It was a huge success. We had a sorting hat to put the kids in their different schools. I used a twister board and they spun to see which one they were assigned to go. They had to wear the sorting hat, of course. We had Olivander's Wand Shoppe. They were blindfolded and had to let the wand choose them, not them choose the wand. We had made tons of paper wands out of hot glue and paint. They then had to go running through platform nine and three quarters to enter Hogwarts. We then had a potions class. We had kool aid and dry ice that they made their potions out of. They used droppers to mix their brew into little bottles with a corked lid. We also had an Owl Post where they made birthday cards for Anna and put them in the Owl Post. Then there was a scavenger hunt because someone stole all of the gold out of Gringott's Bank. The kids had to find the gold and return it back to Gringott's, then they kept some of it for themselves. The coins were those gold chocolate coins. We finished in the Great Hall where they ate Dementor Kisses, which were just kisses. We had Hufflepuffs, which were cheetos. We had sour slugs, candied sour worms, and Polyjuice Potion. It was a blast. Anna was so happy, so we knew it was all worth it.
Now, life can just be calm. I'm so excited to not have any big things coming up. My stress level has gone down and I'm really looking forward to just relaxing. However, I just got called to be in YW, so maybe my stress level is just starting. I was really sad when I learned that I wouldn't be the gospel doctrine teacher anymore. I really, really loved that calling. It was such a great experience for me.
We're about to head to the dentist. Daniel has his first appointment today. Saying lots of prayers that he doesn't totally lose it.
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Feeling the Spirit
Today was a good day. We went to church with cold hands and toes but were warmed by the spirit. It was my turn to teach Gospel Doctrine. I'm really liking this calling a lot. It is so good for me because it is pushing me to study in a way that I may not push myself on my own. Today's lesson was on faith. I'm sure that everyone in that room has had countless lessons on faith before. I think we all came together and shared our different insights and as a result, we all learned together. I am slowly learning how to let the spirit lead my lesson and not my own agenda. Today I was able to do that and it made all the difference. The real objective for Gospel Doctrine is to be taught by the spirit, not by me.
This has been a hard week for us. Well, it's been a hard week for me at least. I called a therapist this week for Anna. Anna is the most amazing girl with the best heart, but she is really struggling right now. Josh and I feel like we've tried everything that we know how to help her and nothing seems to be working. We really need to seek professional help. I had a breakdown this week as I called to set up our first appointment. The place is called "The Georgia Center for OCD and Anxiety." When I read those words and made that phone call, I just lost it. I felt like I had failed Anna as a mom. I can't get through to her. Maybe she's acting this way because of me and how I've raised her. Why can't I make things better myself? Does Anna have OCD? Does she suffer from anxiety? Is there something wrong inside her mind and she's trapped and dealing with it in the only way she knows how?
These were all of the thoughts running through my head. I just cried and cried all day and into the night. After we saw the therapist, I felt much better just because I was reminded that we do NEED this. This is not normal. We need help as parents and she needs help as a little girl learning how to grow up. The thing is, I suffer with depression and it's awful. It's a hard thing for me to deal with and when it's flared up, I feel like I can't control my emotions. When I realized that Anna may be having those same kind of struggles, my heart began to ache for her. I certainly don't want her to suffer in the same way that I suffer. I certainly don't want her to feel trapped and chained by this emotional turmoil that is brewing inside of her. My hope is that this therapist will really be able to give Anna the tools that she needs to take all of those raging feelings and control them. This whole experience has been a good thing for me because it has certainly made my love and empathy for Anna grow. I am her mom for a reason. I am here to help her through these hard times and to love her more and more because of it. That's my own personal goal in all of this. I just want to show her that I'm here and that I always, always will love her.
This week has been really hard behavior-wise for Anna. She's been especially hard on Andrew. She can really hurt him with her words, and that is exactly what happened this week. Josh had some alone time with Andrew this week and explained what is going on with Anna. He told him that she's going to see a therapist to help her learn how to be kinder. Josh encouraged Andrew to just be kind even when she's being mean because Anna is just having a hard time right now and we all just need to be there for her. Well, it's no surprise to me but Andrew has been doing so wonderfully with this. He hasn't been retaliating or getting overly upset, or yelling, or anything like that. He's been helpful and patient and kind. It's been so impressive to Josh and me. I was driving home with him the other day and I was giving him praise for doing such a good job with all of this. He then whispered, "I've never felt like this before." I asked him what he was talking about and he response was, "I feel like I'm so happy that I need to cry." My heart melted. I told him that was the spirit speaking to him and telling him that Heavenly Father was pleased with his efforts. It was such a sweet, tender moment. I know Andrew has felt the spirit before but this was the first time that he really recognized it himself without too much prompting. It was a great experience.
This has been a hard week for us. Well, it's been a hard week for me at least. I called a therapist this week for Anna. Anna is the most amazing girl with the best heart, but she is really struggling right now. Josh and I feel like we've tried everything that we know how to help her and nothing seems to be working. We really need to seek professional help. I had a breakdown this week as I called to set up our first appointment. The place is called "The Georgia Center for OCD and Anxiety." When I read those words and made that phone call, I just lost it. I felt like I had failed Anna as a mom. I can't get through to her. Maybe she's acting this way because of me and how I've raised her. Why can't I make things better myself? Does Anna have OCD? Does she suffer from anxiety? Is there something wrong inside her mind and she's trapped and dealing with it in the only way she knows how?
These were all of the thoughts running through my head. I just cried and cried all day and into the night. After we saw the therapist, I felt much better just because I was reminded that we do NEED this. This is not normal. We need help as parents and she needs help as a little girl learning how to grow up. The thing is, I suffer with depression and it's awful. It's a hard thing for me to deal with and when it's flared up, I feel like I can't control my emotions. When I realized that Anna may be having those same kind of struggles, my heart began to ache for her. I certainly don't want her to suffer in the same way that I suffer. I certainly don't want her to feel trapped and chained by this emotional turmoil that is brewing inside of her. My hope is that this therapist will really be able to give Anna the tools that she needs to take all of those raging feelings and control them. This whole experience has been a good thing for me because it has certainly made my love and empathy for Anna grow. I am her mom for a reason. I am here to help her through these hard times and to love her more and more because of it. That's my own personal goal in all of this. I just want to show her that I'm here and that I always, always will love her.
This week has been really hard behavior-wise for Anna. She's been especially hard on Andrew. She can really hurt him with her words, and that is exactly what happened this week. Josh had some alone time with Andrew this week and explained what is going on with Anna. He told him that she's going to see a therapist to help her learn how to be kinder. Josh encouraged Andrew to just be kind even when she's being mean because Anna is just having a hard time right now and we all just need to be there for her. Well, it's no surprise to me but Andrew has been doing so wonderfully with this. He hasn't been retaliating or getting overly upset, or yelling, or anything like that. He's been helpful and patient and kind. It's been so impressive to Josh and me. I was driving home with him the other day and I was giving him praise for doing such a good job with all of this. He then whispered, "I've never felt like this before." I asked him what he was talking about and he response was, "I feel like I'm so happy that I need to cry." My heart melted. I told him that was the spirit speaking to him and telling him that Heavenly Father was pleased with his efforts. It was such a sweet, tender moment. I know Andrew has felt the spirit before but this was the first time that he really recognized it himself without too much prompting. It was a great experience.
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Fasting and the Christmas Spirit
It's been almost two months since I wrote on this blog. I feel the pricking of the heart and know I need to be better at recording my thoughts and feelings. Today was fast Sunday. I didn't think about it until Josh kissed me goodbye this morning and reminded me. I usually like to prepare for a fast by eating a big meal before I start! Ha! I know that's not exactly what I should do but nonetheless, that is how it usually works out. So, even though my belly wasn't ready I decided to go forward and fast anyways. Today my fast is for Anna. I am fasting in hopes of feeling more love for that sweet girl of mine. Anna is truly a special person with wonderful attributes. She can be so amazing and helpful and kind. However, lately we haven't seen any of those amazing qualities come out. Instead we are really, really struggling to find peace. Anna has a really hard time being kind to her siblings and to me and Josh. She yells at everyone and just seems like an unhappy child. It's tearing all of us down in the worst way. Josh and I are going to seek professional help because we are at a loss as to what needs to be done next. We do know that a change has to happen in our family. We just can't keep going like this. So, today my fast is for her. It is also for me to feel more sympathy and love for her. I often find myself not feeling any sympathy when she is acting out the way she does. Without me feeling that, no progress can be made. It's been hard but I know that this can improve and fasting is a great first step.
On another note, we are about to move into our new house. We are so excited! This has been the longest six months of our lives. We are really hoping for relief and peace to come when we get a little more space. The house looks beautiful. Everything about it is my favorite. I really love how everything turned out and I think it's somewhere that we can be really happy at.
It seems like the older I get, the harder life seems. The weight of just every day burdens sometimes feels overwhelming to me. My depression has been much better lately but my anxiety often makes my heart race. I haven't been feeling very spiritually in tuned lately and I realize AGAIN that reading and studying the scriptures and praying with real intent is what makes such a difference. I just can't feel the spirit like I need to without any of those elements missing. It's vital. It's such a simple thing but it truly is the key to unlocking the influence of the Holy Ghost. I find myself often shocked by what power the Holy Ghost provides. I feel confused, angry, doubtful, self conscious, vengeful, and many other bad things when I don't have the Holy Ghost with me. I have learned that I really do need the CONSTANT companionship that the Holy Ghost can provide just to be happy.
The Church has launched a "Light the World" program. For 25 days in December, we do acts of service that mimic the Savior's Life. For example, Jesus Christ honored His father and mother so one day was devoted to that. I wrote my parents an email telling them how much I appreciate all that they have done and continue to do for me. One day was easing another's burdens so I did one of the "honey do" items that I initially would have asked Josh to do. Today is worship the Lord thy God. Besides just going to church to worship, I want to say a special prayer of just thanks to God. Thanks for all of the many blessings around me. I won't ask for anything, just give thanks. I truly am grateful for all I have and I know that God is where all of my blessings come from. I love this "Light the World" initiative and I'm hoping it will change my heart. I'm hoping it will bring me closer to the Savior and help me to feel more of God's love for me.
It's amazing to me how every time I turn back to the Savior, I feel at peace and happy. Any confusion or doubt or negativity goes away. The Lord doesn't work through those means. That is Satan's way. I'm grateful for a loving God who only provides light and truth and hope.
On another note, we are about to move into our new house. We are so excited! This has been the longest six months of our lives. We are really hoping for relief and peace to come when we get a little more space. The house looks beautiful. Everything about it is my favorite. I really love how everything turned out and I think it's somewhere that we can be really happy at.
It seems like the older I get, the harder life seems. The weight of just every day burdens sometimes feels overwhelming to me. My depression has been much better lately but my anxiety often makes my heart race. I haven't been feeling very spiritually in tuned lately and I realize AGAIN that reading and studying the scriptures and praying with real intent is what makes such a difference. I just can't feel the spirit like I need to without any of those elements missing. It's vital. It's such a simple thing but it truly is the key to unlocking the influence of the Holy Ghost. I find myself often shocked by what power the Holy Ghost provides. I feel confused, angry, doubtful, self conscious, vengeful, and many other bad things when I don't have the Holy Ghost with me. I have learned that I really do need the CONSTANT companionship that the Holy Ghost can provide just to be happy.
The Church has launched a "Light the World" program. For 25 days in December, we do acts of service that mimic the Savior's Life. For example, Jesus Christ honored His father and mother so one day was devoted to that. I wrote my parents an email telling them how much I appreciate all that they have done and continue to do for me. One day was easing another's burdens so I did one of the "honey do" items that I initially would have asked Josh to do. Today is worship the Lord thy God. Besides just going to church to worship, I want to say a special prayer of just thanks to God. Thanks for all of the many blessings around me. I won't ask for anything, just give thanks. I truly am grateful for all I have and I know that God is where all of my blessings come from. I love this "Light the World" initiative and I'm hoping it will change my heart. I'm hoping it will bring me closer to the Savior and help me to feel more of God's love for me.
It's amazing to me how every time I turn back to the Savior, I feel at peace and happy. Any confusion or doubt or negativity goes away. The Lord doesn't work through those means. That is Satan's way. I'm grateful for a loving God who only provides light and truth and hope.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Good VS Evil Influences
I went to church today. As I sat in Sunday School, I couldn't help but think of the previous week when I taught Gospel Doctrine. Last week, my lesson did not go so well. I felt like I really struggled to get little, if any, class participation. It seemed that I was just not connecting with the group at all. I finished the lesson feeling very upset and down and sad that I couldn't quite get it together. This was also the weekend that we watched Aubrey and Brooke while Bryan and Ashley went to the BYU football game in Michigan. The whole weekend was incredibly difficult. We really struggled to just keep up. On Sunday, Josh had early meetings so I had six kids under the age of seven to get ready for church. AMAZINGLY we got to church on time but sacrament meeting was hard. We had stickers going and fruit snacks and color crayons and stories. I had to get up and leave with the kids three times. One of those times Daniel was yelling, "NO MOM!! DON'T HOLD ME. YOU'RE HURTING ME." It was rough! Straight after one of the hardest sacrament meetings of my life, I had to get up and give the gospel doctrine lesson. There were tons of people out that day because it was a holiday weekend. So, numbers were few, emotions were low, anxiety was high, and I had to pull it all together in about ten seconds to give my lesson. Exhaustion and forgetting to take my anti-depressant was a bad combination.
Anyways, back to today. I sat in church today during second hour thinking about how I don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't know if I can teach Gospel Doctrine anymore. It's hard to get the whole class going and feeling the spirit and feel good about the whole thing. I kept thinking, perhaps this was a mistake. I shouldn't be a teacher here where most people know way more than I do. I thought about what a great teacher Brother Dunford was and how I can never measure up to him. My nervousness for my next lesson began to swell and I started to feel overwhelmed. I leaned over to my husband and told him, "I don't know if I can keep doing this. Brother Dunford is a way better teacher than I am." He lovingly said to me, "That is Satan talking. Stop it!"
I then realized that all of these thoughts were indeed coming from Satan, not from God. These are things that the devil wants to put into my mind to weaken me, question me, question the calling that I received. I had to get those thoughts out. I don't want Satan in my head and heart.
I still feel very nervous about teaching again. I hope my next lesson doesn't go as poorly as my last one did. However, I know that I have to work hard and then just have faith that God will help me to teach with His spirit. It is so good for me to be able to separate truth from evil influences. When I can discern between what comes from God and what comes from Satan, I feel more confident in my abilities and in what God can help me to do. I know that He will be there to help me along my way.
Anyways, back to today. I sat in church today during second hour thinking about how I don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't know if I can teach Gospel Doctrine anymore. It's hard to get the whole class going and feeling the spirit and feel good about the whole thing. I kept thinking, perhaps this was a mistake. I shouldn't be a teacher here where most people know way more than I do. I thought about what a great teacher Brother Dunford was and how I can never measure up to him. My nervousness for my next lesson began to swell and I started to feel overwhelmed. I leaned over to my husband and told him, "I don't know if I can keep doing this. Brother Dunford is a way better teacher than I am." He lovingly said to me, "That is Satan talking. Stop it!"
I then realized that all of these thoughts were indeed coming from Satan, not from God. These are things that the devil wants to put into my mind to weaken me, question me, question the calling that I received. I had to get those thoughts out. I don't want Satan in my head and heart.
I still feel very nervous about teaching again. I hope my next lesson doesn't go as poorly as my last one did. However, I know that I have to work hard and then just have faith that God will help me to teach with His spirit. It is so good for me to be able to separate truth from evil influences. When I can discern between what comes from God and what comes from Satan, I feel more confident in my abilities and in what God can help me to do. I know that He will be there to help me along my way.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Handling Pornography
This past week, I was on Instagram looking at my friend's 16th birthday party pictures. It was really cute and the publisher of this post put #sweetsixteen. I clicked on the hashtag so I could see more sweet sixteen pictures. Instead of seeing something happy and uplifting, I saw dirty, crude, sinful images. I saw pornography. I freaked out and turned if off immediately. I was so taken aback. I hadn't expected to see what I saw, and I certainly wasn't looking for it. The image stayed with me throughout the day. I had all of these questions in my head. "Why would anyone choose to exploit their body like this? Why would anyone put this on the internet for everyone to see? Why would people choose to look at this?" Even though I do in fact know why many people view pornography, I felt so uneasy and upset that I had seen this image by mistake.
That night, Josh and I were getting ready to go to bed. I felt kind of nervous to tell him about what I had seen. I'm not sure why I was nervous but I was. I finally just told him, "I saw pornography today." As soon as the words left my lips, I felt this distance between me and what I had seen. Before I felt like the feeling I got from looking at this pornography was sticking to me like some kind of wet, dirty tar-like glue. When I told Josh what I had seen, I felt like it wasn't stuck to me anymore but it was an entity that something I stumbled upon. I felt in control again. I felt more like this was a fact and not an emotional attachment that I had to reluctantly hold on to.
After I told Josh, I had the thought come to me that this is what I needed to teach to my kids. When they see it, (because they will), they should feel comfortable enough to come and tell me or Josh. It's not something that they have to hold onto. It's not something that lessens their value or their worth. They need to feel distanced from the sin of pornography. I don't want these bad thoughts rolling around in their heads. Talking about it openly and without judgment is what I want for each of our family members.
That night, Josh and I were getting ready to go to bed. I felt kind of nervous to tell him about what I had seen. I'm not sure why I was nervous but I was. I finally just told him, "I saw pornography today." As soon as the words left my lips, I felt this distance between me and what I had seen. Before I felt like the feeling I got from looking at this pornography was sticking to me like some kind of wet, dirty tar-like glue. When I told Josh what I had seen, I felt like it wasn't stuck to me anymore but it was an entity that something I stumbled upon. I felt in control again. I felt more like this was a fact and not an emotional attachment that I had to reluctantly hold on to.
After I told Josh, I had the thought come to me that this is what I needed to teach to my kids. When they see it, (because they will), they should feel comfortable enough to come and tell me or Josh. It's not something that they have to hold onto. It's not something that lessens their value or their worth. They need to feel distanced from the sin of pornography. I don't want these bad thoughts rolling around in their heads. Talking about it openly and without judgment is what I want for each of our family members.
Friday, August 5, 2016
Andrew's Anxiety
It's sprinkling outside as I sit on my front porch of our apartment. I'm watching the kids ride their bikes for some much needed outside time. Jenna is happiest when she's playing outside, rain or shine. I just had a few thoughts this morning. Our move to Georgia has been surprisingly difficult for Andrew. He has had major anxiety about being in Primary. On the first Sunday here, the teacher let him out of his class without me coming to pick him up. He wandered around the building for a long time before he finally found me. Once he got to me, his poor face was swollen and blotchy and he was sobbing. My heart broke for him. I gave him lots of hugs and told him that I would never leave church without him. However, it was truly a traumatizing experience for him. For the next two months, Andrew cried every single day, sometimes uncontrollably, about the fear of being alone or being left. He was so scared that I wouldn't be able to find him. Every Sunday during Sacrament Meeting, he sobbed horribly to the point that we had to take him out. Josh and I tried our best to comfort him. We would come check on him several times during Primary. We would leave our class early to be sure that we got to his class before the teacher released him. Even with all of this extra support, Andrew still was suffering. Each time we would go check on him, he was already crying. The teachers had to take him out to show him where his class would be and to comfort him. Some Saturday nights he would cry for two or so hours. Once, I even had to climb in his bed and sing him Primary songs until he fell asleep because he could hardly bare the fear.
I think we've passed the hump of this fear but I've thought that before and then he'll have a really bad day. I've been thinking about this and wondering if there is some lesson to be learned here. I think we can see this as a very symbolic lesson to be learned. Sometimes in our own lives, we may struggle to believe that God is really there. We may feel alone and scared. We may feel fear of facing life's challenges by ourselves. We may feel anxious about the unknown. However, just like Josh and I were there trying to comfort Andrew, our Heavenly parents are there trying to comfort us. Sometimes Andrew wouldn't allow the comfort to settle in. Sometimes he let his fear dominate his emotions. Sometimes we do the same. In order to have that comfort that we are so desperately needing in our lives settle into our hearts, we have to make a bit of a leap of faith. We have to believe for a moment in the dark that someone is truly there. We can't see God. His words are not audible. However, His presence is real. His comfort is constant. His love is never ending. God is there for us always. It was so easy for Josh and me to see that if Andrew could just trust us to know that we would be right there to help him feel calm, that all would be well. He really struggled with that. Sometimes we also really struggle with trusting God. It's interesting too that when Andrew does start to believe that we'll be there for him that he is so much happier. His fear and anxiety are diminished. His spirits are lifted. When we do the same with God, we too are happier, less anxious, and can feel of His love more.
I think we've passed the hump of this fear but I've thought that before and then he'll have a really bad day. I've been thinking about this and wondering if there is some lesson to be learned here. I think we can see this as a very symbolic lesson to be learned. Sometimes in our own lives, we may struggle to believe that God is really there. We may feel alone and scared. We may feel fear of facing life's challenges by ourselves. We may feel anxious about the unknown. However, just like Josh and I were there trying to comfort Andrew, our Heavenly parents are there trying to comfort us. Sometimes Andrew wouldn't allow the comfort to settle in. Sometimes he let his fear dominate his emotions. Sometimes we do the same. In order to have that comfort that we are so desperately needing in our lives settle into our hearts, we have to make a bit of a leap of faith. We have to believe for a moment in the dark that someone is truly there. We can't see God. His words are not audible. However, His presence is real. His comfort is constant. His love is never ending. God is there for us always. It was so easy for Josh and me to see that if Andrew could just trust us to know that we would be right there to help him feel calm, that all would be well. He really struggled with that. Sometimes we also really struggle with trusting God. It's interesting too that when Andrew does start to believe that we'll be there for him that he is so much happier. His fear and anxiety are diminished. His spirits are lifted. When we do the same with God, we too are happier, less anxious, and can feel of His love more.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)