Feeling the Spirit

Today was a good day.  We went to church with cold hands and toes but were warmed by the spirit.  It was my turn to teach Gospel Doctrine.  I'm really liking this calling a lot.  It is so good for me because it is pushing me to study in a way that I may not push myself on my own.  Today's lesson was on faith.  I'm sure that everyone in that room has had countless lessons on faith before.  I think we all came together and shared our different insights and as a result, we all learned together.  I am slowly learning how to let the spirit lead my lesson and not my own agenda.  Today I was able to do that and it made all the difference.  The real objective for Gospel Doctrine is to be taught by the spirit, not by me.

This has been a hard week for us.  Well, it's been a hard week for me at least.  I called a therapist this week for Anna.  Anna is the most amazing girl with the best heart, but she is really struggling right now.  Josh and I feel like we've tried everything that we know how to help her and nothing seems to be working.  We really need to seek professional help.  I had a breakdown this week as I called to set up our first appointment.  The place is called "The Georgia Center for OCD and Anxiety."  When I read those words and made that phone call, I just lost it.  I felt like I had failed Anna as a mom.  I can't get through to her.  Maybe she's acting this way because of me and how I've raised her.  Why can't I make things better myself?  Does Anna have OCD?  Does she suffer from anxiety?  Is there something wrong inside her mind and she's trapped and dealing with it in the only way she knows how?

These were all of the thoughts running through my head.  I just cried and cried all day and into the night.  After we saw the therapist, I felt much better just because I was reminded that we do NEED this.  This is not normal.  We need help as parents and she needs help as a little girl learning how to grow up.  The thing is, I suffer with depression and it's awful.  It's a hard thing for me to deal with and when it's flared up, I feel like I can't control my emotions.  When I realized that Anna may be having those same kind of struggles, my heart began to ache for her.  I certainly don't want her to suffer in the same way that I suffer.  I certainly don't want her to feel trapped and chained by this emotional turmoil that is brewing inside of her.  My hope is that this therapist will really be able to give Anna the tools that she needs to take all of those raging feelings and control them.  This whole experience has been a good thing for me because it has certainly made my love and empathy for Anna grow.  I am her mom for a reason.  I am here to help her through these hard times and to love her more and more because of it.  That's my own personal goal in all of this.  I just want to show her that I'm here and that I always, always will love her.

This week has been really hard behavior-wise for Anna.  She's been especially hard on Andrew.  She can really hurt him with her words, and that is exactly what happened this week.  Josh had some alone time with Andrew this week and explained what is going on with Anna.  He told him that she's going to see a therapist to help her learn how to be kinder.  Josh encouraged Andrew to just be kind even when she's being mean because Anna is just having a hard time right now and we all just need to be there for her.  Well, it's no surprise to me but Andrew has been doing so wonderfully with this.  He hasn't been retaliating or getting overly upset, or yelling, or anything like that.  He's been helpful and patient and kind.  It's been so impressive to Josh and me.  I was driving home with him the other day and I was giving him praise for doing such a good job with all of this.  He then whispered, "I've never felt like this before."  I asked him what he was talking about and he response was, "I feel like I'm so happy that I need to cry."  My heart melted.  I told him that was the spirit speaking to him and telling him that Heavenly Father was pleased with his efforts.  It was such a sweet, tender moment.  I know Andrew has felt the spirit before but this was the first time that he really recognized it himself without too much prompting.  It was a great experience.

Fasting and the Christmas Spirit

It's been almost two months since I wrote on this blog.  I feel the pricking of the heart and know I need to be better at recording my thoughts and feelings.  Today was fast Sunday.  I didn't think about it until Josh kissed me goodbye this morning and reminded me.  I usually like to prepare for a fast by eating a big meal before I start!  Ha!  I know that's not exactly what I should do but nonetheless, that is how it usually works out.  So, even though my belly wasn't ready I decided to go forward and fast anyways.  Today my fast is for Anna.  I am fasting in hopes of feeling more love for that sweet girl of mine.  Anna is truly a special person with wonderful attributes.  She can be so amazing and helpful and kind.  However, lately we haven't seen any of those amazing qualities come out.  Instead we are really, really struggling to find peace.  Anna has a really hard time being kind to her siblings and to me and Josh.  She yells at everyone and just seems like an unhappy child.  It's tearing all of us down in the worst way.  Josh and I are going to seek professional help because we are at a loss as to what needs to be done next.  We do know that a change has to happen in our family.  We just can't keep going like this.  So, today my fast is for her.  It is also for me to feel more sympathy and love for her.  I often find myself not feeling any sympathy when she is acting out the way she does.  Without me feeling that, no progress can be made.  It's been hard but I know that this can improve and fasting is a great first step.

On another note, we are about to move into our new house.  We are so excited!  This has been the longest six months of our lives.  We are really hoping for relief and peace to come when we get a little more space.  The house looks beautiful.  Everything about it is my favorite.  I really love how everything turned out and I think it's somewhere that we can be really happy at.

It seems like the older I get, the harder life seems.  The weight of just every day burdens sometimes feels overwhelming to me.  My depression has been much better lately but my anxiety often makes my heart race.  I haven't been feeling very spiritually in tuned lately and I realize AGAIN that reading and studying the scriptures and praying with real intent is what makes such a difference.  I just can't feel the spirit like I need to without any of those elements missing.  It's vital.  It's such a simple thing but it truly is the key to unlocking the influence of the Holy Ghost.  I find myself often shocked by what power the Holy Ghost provides.  I feel confused, angry, doubtful, self conscious, vengeful, and many other bad things when I don't have the Holy Ghost with me.  I have learned that I really do need the CONSTANT companionship that the Holy Ghost can provide just to be happy.

The Church has launched a "Light the World" program.  For 25 days in December, we do acts of service that mimic the Savior's Life.  For example, Jesus Christ honored His father and mother so one day was devoted to that.  I wrote my parents an email telling them how much I appreciate all that they have done and continue to do for me.  One day was easing another's burdens so I did one of the "honey do" items that I initially would have asked Josh to do.  Today is worship the Lord thy God.  Besides just going to church to worship, I want to say a special prayer of just thanks to God.  Thanks for all of the many blessings around me.  I won't ask for anything, just give thanks.  I truly am grateful for all I have and I know that God is where all of my blessings come from.  I love this "Light the World" initiative and I'm hoping it will change my heart.  I'm hoping it will bring me closer to the Savior and help me to feel more of God's love for me.

It's amazing to me how every time I turn back to the Savior, I feel at peace and happy.  Any confusion or doubt or negativity goes away.  The Lord doesn't work through those means.  That is Satan's way.  I'm grateful for a loving God who only provides light and truth and hope.  

Good VS Evil Influences

I went to church today.  As I sat in Sunday School, I couldn't help but think of the previous week when I taught Gospel Doctrine.  Last week, my lesson did not go so well.  I felt like I really struggled to get little, if any, class participation.  It seemed that I was just not connecting with the group at all.  I finished the lesson feeling very upset and down and sad that I couldn't quite get it together.  This was also the weekend that we watched Aubrey and Brooke while Bryan and Ashley went to the BYU football game in Michigan.  The whole weekend was incredibly difficult.  We really struggled to just keep up.  On Sunday, Josh had early meetings so I had six kids under the age of seven to get ready for church.  AMAZINGLY we got to church on time but sacrament meeting was hard.  We had stickers going and fruit snacks and color crayons and stories.  I had to get up and leave with the kids three times.  One of those times Daniel was yelling, "NO MOM!!  DON'T HOLD ME.  YOU'RE HURTING ME."  It was rough!  Straight after one of the hardest sacrament meetings of my life, I had to get up and give the gospel doctrine lesson.  There were tons of people out that day because it was a holiday weekend.  So, numbers were few, emotions were low, anxiety was high, and I had to pull it all together in about ten seconds to give my lesson.  Exhaustion and forgetting to take my anti-depressant was a bad combination.
Anyways, back to today.  I sat in church today during second hour thinking about how I don't know if I can keep doing this.  I don't know if I can teach Gospel Doctrine anymore.  It's hard to get the whole class going and feeling the spirit and feel good about the whole thing.  I kept thinking, perhaps this was a mistake.  I shouldn't be a teacher here where most people know way more than I do.  I thought about what a great teacher Brother Dunford was and how I can never measure up to him.  My nervousness for my next lesson began to swell and I started to feel overwhelmed.   I leaned over to my husband and told him, "I don't know if I can keep doing this.  Brother Dunford is a way better teacher than I am."  He lovingly said to me, "That is Satan talking.  Stop it!"
I then realized that all of these thoughts were indeed coming from Satan, not from God.  These are things that the devil wants to put into my mind to weaken me, question me, question the calling that I received.  I had to get those thoughts out.  I don't want Satan in my head and heart.
I still feel very nervous about teaching again.  I hope my next lesson doesn't go as poorly as my last one did.  However, I know that I have to work hard and then just have faith that God will help me to teach with His spirit.  It is so good for me to be able to separate truth from evil influences.  When I can discern between what comes from God and what comes from Satan, I feel more confident in my abilities and in what God can help me to do.  I know that He will be there to help me along my way.

Handling Pornography

This past week, I was on Instagram looking at my friend's 16th birthday party pictures.  It was really cute and the publisher of this post put #sweetsixteen.  I clicked on the hashtag so I could see more sweet sixteen pictures.  Instead of seeing something happy and uplifting, I saw dirty, crude, sinful images.  I saw pornography.  I freaked out and turned if off immediately.  I was so taken aback.  I hadn't expected to see what I saw, and I certainly wasn't looking for it.  The image stayed with me throughout the day.  I had all of these questions in my head.  "Why would anyone choose to exploit their body like this?  Why would anyone put this on the internet for everyone to see?  Why would people choose to look at this?"  Even though I do in fact know why many people view pornography, I felt so uneasy and upset that I had seen this image by mistake.
That night, Josh and I were getting ready to go to bed.  I felt kind of nervous to tell him about what I had seen.  I'm not sure why I was nervous but I was.  I finally just told him, "I saw pornography today."  As soon as the words left my lips, I felt this distance between me and what I had seen.  Before I felt like the feeling I got from looking at this pornography was sticking to me like some kind of wet, dirty tar-like glue.  When I told Josh what I had seen, I felt like it wasn't stuck to me anymore but it was an entity that something I stumbled upon.  I felt in control again.  I felt more like this was a fact and not an emotional attachment that I had to reluctantly hold on to.
After I told Josh, I had the thought come to me that this is what I needed to teach to my kids.  When they see it, (because they will), they should feel comfortable enough to come and tell me or Josh.  It's not something that they have to hold onto.  It's not something that lessens their value or their worth.  They need to feel distanced from the sin of pornography.  I don't want these bad thoughts rolling around in their heads.  Talking about it openly and without judgment is what I want for each of our family members.

Andrew's Anxiety

It's sprinkling outside as I sit on my front porch of our apartment.  I'm watching the kids ride their bikes for some much needed outside time.  Jenna is happiest when she's playing outside, rain or shine.  I just had a few thoughts this morning.  Our move to Georgia has been surprisingly difficult for Andrew.  He has had major anxiety about being in Primary.  On the first Sunday here, the teacher let him out of his class without me coming to pick him up.  He wandered around the building for a long time before he finally found me.  Once he got to me, his poor face was swollen and blotchy and he was sobbing.  My heart broke for him.  I gave him lots of hugs and told him that I would never leave church without him.  However, it was truly a traumatizing experience for him.  For the next two months, Andrew cried every single day, sometimes uncontrollably, about the fear of being alone or being left.  He was so scared that I wouldn't be able to find him.  Every Sunday during Sacrament Meeting, he sobbed horribly to the point that we had to take him out.  Josh and I tried our best to comfort him.  We would come check on him several times during Primary.  We would leave our class early to be sure that we got to his class before the teacher released him.  Even with all of this extra support, Andrew still was suffering.  Each time we would go check on him, he was already crying.  The teachers had to take him out to show him where his class would be and to comfort him.  Some Saturday nights he would cry for two or so hours.  Once, I even had to climb in his bed and sing him Primary songs until he fell asleep because he could hardly bare the fear.
I think we've passed the hump of this fear but I've thought that before and then he'll have a really bad day.  I've been thinking about this and wondering if there is some lesson to be learned here.  I think we can see this as a very symbolic lesson to be learned.  Sometimes in our own lives, we may struggle to believe that God is really there.  We may feel alone and scared.  We may feel fear of facing life's challenges by ourselves.  We may feel anxious about the unknown.  However, just like Josh and I were there trying to comfort Andrew, our Heavenly parents are there trying to comfort us.  Sometimes Andrew wouldn't allow the comfort to settle in.  Sometimes he let his fear dominate his emotions.  Sometimes we do the same.  In order to have that comfort that we are so desperately needing in our lives settle into our hearts, we have to make a bit of a leap of faith.  We have to believe for a moment in the dark that someone is truly there.  We can't see God.  His words are not audible.  However, His presence is real.  His comfort is constant.  His love is never ending.  God is there for us always.  It was so easy for Josh and me to see that if Andrew could just trust us to know that we would be right there to help him feel calm, that all would be well.  He really struggled with that.  Sometimes we also really struggle with trusting God.  It's interesting too that when Andrew does start to believe that we'll be there for him that he is so much happier.  His fear and anxiety are diminished.  His spirits are lifted.  When we do the same with God, we too are happier, less anxious, and can feel of His love more.

Back to School

Today is the first day of school.  We just dropped Anna and Andrew off at Malcom Bridge Elementary for the first time.  New school.  New year.  New start.  Anna is going into second grade and Andrew into kindergarten.  They were both so excited this morning.  Anna couldn't even finish her breakfast.  I remember feeling like that on my first day, knowing I should eat but feeling too full of jitters to make room for one more bite.  Andrew cried last night because he was worried about riding the bus.  I think his teacher is perfect for helping him to feel loved and secure.  My heart is bursting with happiness for them both.  They both seemed so brave as we left them, ready for their new adventure.  

I was on Facebook this week and my friend Vonae Tanner wrote this about her boys.  I thought it was so good and exactly how I feel.  Read below. 


"Concerns of a school mom .
How will my child fit in ? Will the pull of popularity move him to join the mean gang, will the shunning of the popular leave him wounded and insecure? Will he find a good friend, will he be a good friend? Will he turn to me in times of pain, will I be aware enough to know that's why he's out of sorts? Will he be able to endure the 6 hours of structured activity and instruction with only a 20 minute break? Will he dread the 20 minutes that he could be left lonely or picked on? Will he learn the curriculum? Will he learn the unwritten rules of social life? Will he learn his class route and locker combo? Will he remember and believe how awesome he is and that everyone is a
Little broken somewhere? And will he accept both his awesomeness and his broken? Will he be
Protected? Will I be able to both nurture him and make sure
He gets everything done each day that he has too? Can we get the to-do list done without breaking the spirit of growing up?
The only thing I can do is pray for him, for them all, for us all, and the most powerful, influential, meaningful thing I can do is pray for him. And for us all.
A free education is an amazing gift to be cherished. Awesome? Yes. Broken? Yes. Amen."

I always thought that I would be able to "control" my kids more than I actually can.  I thought that telling my kids to stop and putting them in time out once or twice would solve the problem.  I didn't know that the teaching would be SO constant.  So, when I read this quote, it made me think about my own children.  Will they remember all I have tried to teach them?  Have I done enough to help them thrive?  Have I given the confidence to be brave, to be a good friend even when it's not popular?  

I started praying for their teachers.  I haven't done that in the past but I feel inspired to do so now.  Jinger Deason wrote to me and said that she's been praying constantly that her girls will find good friends and have the confidence they need.  I felt pricked a bit because I realized that I could really be using the power of prayer much more than I am.  So, from now on, I'm going to pray for their teachers and their friends daily.  I'm going to pray that they can be kind and have courage to stand for what's right.  I'm going to pray for their ability to learn and grow.  I believe in prayer, so now I have to take that belief and turn it into action. 

I think this is going to be a wonderful school year.  I can't wait to see their progress.  I have great hopes for all of their positive experiences.  

July 13, 2016

I guess I shouldn't only write when I'm feeling super emotional.  It seems that I'm either in a really good mood or a rotten one when I decide to write.  Today is just a normal day.  We met with the cabinet guys this morning to discuss some changes we wanted to make to our kitchen.  It was super helpful.  They broke ground on our house this week.  It was actually a funny experience.  We were driving home from somewhere and I almost always stop by our lot on the way home before heading back to the apartment.  As we rounded the corner on Cumberland Trail, I saw a tractor moving dirt around.  I screamed, "Oh my gosh!  That tractor is moving!"  I heard four little gasps from the back seat and then everyone started screaming.  I couldn't believe that they FINALLY started.  It seemed like it never was actually going to happen but right there before my eyes, was a beautiful yellow tractor moving around OUR dirt!  We drove up to the lot and took lots of pictures to send to Josh.  I felt dumb as I rolled down my window and snapped 25 pictures of the man on the tractor.  I'm sure he thought I was crazy at that moment, and that thought has been solidified over the past few days as we go by 3 or 4 times a day to take more pictures.  I feel like the paparazzi.
Last night we drove by after seven to go walk around.  It was so fun to see the progress.  The kids climbed the huge mountains of red clay and had the time of their lives.  They came away looking more like oompa loompas than my own children.  Their faces, hands, and feet were covered in orange.  We stuck them in the bath right when we got home and the water instantly looked murky.  Josh and I could have stood there all night.  We loved just being there and imagining what it may look like.  It was a good night.
Josh and I have been trying to get pregnant for several months now without success.  Every month that I start my period, I feel relieved though.  I don't think it's quite time to have another baby.  Josh is actually the one who proposed the idea to wait.  Life is quite hectic right now and we are really struggling to have peaceful days with the kids.  It's not the best time to have another child.  I know life will always be hectic but with all that's going on right now, it's better to wait to have another baby.
Being a parent is only about one million times harder than I thought it ever would be.  I think that things are especially hard right now because we're living in such a small apartment.  There is no yard for the kids to run and play in.  We're just cooped up and on each other's nerves all the time.  I'm very much looking forward to having room to breathe when we move to our big house.
Anna started piano lessons last week.  She is taking lessons with a girl in our ward, Audra Loyd.  Audra has been living in NYC for the last several years and even attended Julliard School of Music.  Our practices with Anna have been incredibly challenging.  She very easily gets overwhelmed and frustrated.  She cries and cries and gives up every time she doesn't understand something.  It's been rough.  I know that things will begin to improve as she learns how to practice and what to expect from each day.  Once she really grasps that she can't master something over just a few days, I think things will turn around.  The end of the week was much better than the beginning.  She started gaining confidence and her pieces started sounding much better.  I emailed Audra and told her how everything went.  She tailored her next lesson accordingly, and I was so grateful.  I want piano to be a pleasant experience for her and I think we're on the right track now.
I got asked to play the role of Mary Magdalene at youth conference this week.  I'm excited to be able to help out.  It's been really good for me to study more about the Savior.  It's amazing how cruel the people were to Jesus Christ.  I feel like I've gained a deeper sense of how heavy those days around his death really were.  We're having a dress rehearsal for the event tomorrow.  I am really nervous about it actually.  I don't know anyone here so I feel like I can't be totally comfortable with them all yet.  I need to just get over it.  Prayer will help.
The Stake President called Josh a few weeks ago and asked if we could meet with him.  We were at my mom's house that week so he said he would have the executive secretary call to schedule an appointment.  That was almost two weeks ago and still no appointment.  I thought he was going to be asked to be a member of the bishopric because our first counselor is moving.  If that's the case, then I'm trying to enjoy my Sundays with him while I can.  It's amazing how much easier it is to sit through church with two adults rather than one.
Overall, I'm feeling happier than I have in a while.  For the last two months I feel like my depression has just been staring me in the face every day.  It's been so much worse.  I also have been taking less medicine so that I could get my body ready to be pregnant.  I feel really relieved to not be getting pregnant just yet.  I will be ready in not too long but for now, I'm happy to wait.