This past week, I was on Instagram looking at my friend's 16th birthday party pictures. It was really cute and the publisher of this post put #sweetsixteen. I clicked on the hashtag so I could see more sweet sixteen pictures. Instead of seeing something happy and uplifting, I saw dirty, crude, sinful images. I saw pornography. I freaked out and turned if off immediately. I was so taken aback. I hadn't expected to see what I saw, and I certainly wasn't looking for it. The image stayed with me throughout the day. I had all of these questions in my head. "Why would anyone choose to exploit their body like this? Why would anyone put this on the internet for everyone to see? Why would people choose to look at this?" Even though I do in fact know why many people view pornography, I felt so uneasy and upset that I had seen this image by mistake.
That night, Josh and I were getting ready to go to bed. I felt kind of nervous to tell him about what I had seen. I'm not sure why I was nervous but I was. I finally just told him, "I saw pornography today." As soon as the words left my lips, I felt this distance between me and what I had seen. Before I felt like the feeling I got from looking at this pornography was sticking to me like some kind of wet, dirty tar-like glue. When I told Josh what I had seen, I felt like it wasn't stuck to me anymore but it was an entity that something I stumbled upon. I felt in control again. I felt more like this was a fact and not an emotional attachment that I had to reluctantly hold on to.
After I told Josh, I had the thought come to me that this is what I needed to teach to my kids. When they see it, (because they will), they should feel comfortable enough to come and tell me or Josh. It's not something that they have to hold onto. It's not something that lessens their value or their worth. They need to feel distanced from the sin of pornography. I don't want these bad thoughts rolling around in their heads. Talking about it openly and without judgment is what I want for each of our family members.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Friday, August 5, 2016
Andrew's Anxiety
It's sprinkling outside as I sit on my front porch of our apartment. I'm watching the kids ride their bikes for some much needed outside time. Jenna is happiest when she's playing outside, rain or shine. I just had a few thoughts this morning. Our move to Georgia has been surprisingly difficult for Andrew. He has had major anxiety about being in Primary. On the first Sunday here, the teacher let him out of his class without me coming to pick him up. He wandered around the building for a long time before he finally found me. Once he got to me, his poor face was swollen and blotchy and he was sobbing. My heart broke for him. I gave him lots of hugs and told him that I would never leave church without him. However, it was truly a traumatizing experience for him. For the next two months, Andrew cried every single day, sometimes uncontrollably, about the fear of being alone or being left. He was so scared that I wouldn't be able to find him. Every Sunday during Sacrament Meeting, he sobbed horribly to the point that we had to take him out. Josh and I tried our best to comfort him. We would come check on him several times during Primary. We would leave our class early to be sure that we got to his class before the teacher released him. Even with all of this extra support, Andrew still was suffering. Each time we would go check on him, he was already crying. The teachers had to take him out to show him where his class would be and to comfort him. Some Saturday nights he would cry for two or so hours. Once, I even had to climb in his bed and sing him Primary songs until he fell asleep because he could hardly bare the fear.
I think we've passed the hump of this fear but I've thought that before and then he'll have a really bad day. I've been thinking about this and wondering if there is some lesson to be learned here. I think we can see this as a very symbolic lesson to be learned. Sometimes in our own lives, we may struggle to believe that God is really there. We may feel alone and scared. We may feel fear of facing life's challenges by ourselves. We may feel anxious about the unknown. However, just like Josh and I were there trying to comfort Andrew, our Heavenly parents are there trying to comfort us. Sometimes Andrew wouldn't allow the comfort to settle in. Sometimes he let his fear dominate his emotions. Sometimes we do the same. In order to have that comfort that we are so desperately needing in our lives settle into our hearts, we have to make a bit of a leap of faith. We have to believe for a moment in the dark that someone is truly there. We can't see God. His words are not audible. However, His presence is real. His comfort is constant. His love is never ending. God is there for us always. It was so easy for Josh and me to see that if Andrew could just trust us to know that we would be right there to help him feel calm, that all would be well. He really struggled with that. Sometimes we also really struggle with trusting God. It's interesting too that when Andrew does start to believe that we'll be there for him that he is so much happier. His fear and anxiety are diminished. His spirits are lifted. When we do the same with God, we too are happier, less anxious, and can feel of His love more.
I think we've passed the hump of this fear but I've thought that before and then he'll have a really bad day. I've been thinking about this and wondering if there is some lesson to be learned here. I think we can see this as a very symbolic lesson to be learned. Sometimes in our own lives, we may struggle to believe that God is really there. We may feel alone and scared. We may feel fear of facing life's challenges by ourselves. We may feel anxious about the unknown. However, just like Josh and I were there trying to comfort Andrew, our Heavenly parents are there trying to comfort us. Sometimes Andrew wouldn't allow the comfort to settle in. Sometimes he let his fear dominate his emotions. Sometimes we do the same. In order to have that comfort that we are so desperately needing in our lives settle into our hearts, we have to make a bit of a leap of faith. We have to believe for a moment in the dark that someone is truly there. We can't see God. His words are not audible. However, His presence is real. His comfort is constant. His love is never ending. God is there for us always. It was so easy for Josh and me to see that if Andrew could just trust us to know that we would be right there to help him feel calm, that all would be well. He really struggled with that. Sometimes we also really struggle with trusting God. It's interesting too that when Andrew does start to believe that we'll be there for him that he is so much happier. His fear and anxiety are diminished. His spirits are lifted. When we do the same with God, we too are happier, less anxious, and can feel of His love more.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Back to School
Today is the first day of school. We just dropped Anna and Andrew off at Malcom Bridge Elementary for the first time. New school. New year. New start. Anna is going into second grade and Andrew into kindergarten. They were both so excited this morning. Anna couldn't even finish her breakfast. I remember feeling like that on my first day, knowing I should eat but feeling too full of jitters to make room for one more bite. Andrew cried last night because he was worried about riding the bus. I think his teacher is perfect for helping him to feel loved and secure. My heart is bursting with happiness for them both. They both seemed so brave as we left them, ready for their new adventure.
I was on Facebook this week and my friend Vonae Tanner wrote this about her boys. I thought it was so good and exactly how I feel. Read below.
"Concerns of a school mom .
How will my child fit in ? Will the pull of popularity move him to join the mean gang, will the shunning of the popular leave him wounded and insecure? Will he find a good friend, will he be a good friend? Will he turn to me in times of pain, will I be aware enough to know that's why he's out of sorts? Will he be able to endure the 6 hours of structured activity and instruction with only a 20 minute break? Will he dread the 20 minutes that he could be left lonely or picked on? Will he learn the curriculum? Will he learn the unwritten rules of social life? Will he learn his class route and locker combo? Will he remember and believe how awesome he is and that everyone is a
Little broken somewhere? And will he accept both his awesomeness and his broken? Will he be
Protected? Will I be able to both nurture him and make sure
He gets everything done each day that he has too? Can we get the to-do list done without breaking the spirit of growing up?
The only thing I can do is pray for him, for them all, for us all, and the most powerful, influential, meaningful thing I can do is pray for him. And for us all.
A free education is an amazing gift to be cherished. Awesome? Yes. Broken? Yes. Amen."
I always thought that I would be able to "control" my kids more than I actually can. I thought that telling my kids to stop and putting them in time out once or twice would solve the problem. I didn't know that the teaching would be SO constant. So, when I read this quote, it made me think about my own children. Will they remember all I have tried to teach them? Have I done enough to help them thrive? Have I given the confidence to be brave, to be a good friend even when it's not popular?
I started praying for their teachers. I haven't done that in the past but I feel inspired to do so now. Jinger Deason wrote to me and said that she's been praying constantly that her girls will find good friends and have the confidence they need. I felt pricked a bit because I realized that I could really be using the power of prayer much more than I am. So, from now on, I'm going to pray for their teachers and their friends daily. I'm going to pray that they can be kind and have courage to stand for what's right. I'm going to pray for their ability to learn and grow. I believe in prayer, so now I have to take that belief and turn it into action.
I think this is going to be a wonderful school year. I can't wait to see their progress. I have great hopes for all of their positive experiences.
I was on Facebook this week and my friend Vonae Tanner wrote this about her boys. I thought it was so good and exactly how I feel. Read below.
"Concerns of a school mom .
How will my child fit in ? Will the pull of popularity move him to join the mean gang, will the shunning of the popular leave him wounded and insecure? Will he find a good friend, will he be a good friend? Will he turn to me in times of pain, will I be aware enough to know that's why he's out of sorts? Will he be able to endure the 6 hours of structured activity and instruction with only a 20 minute break? Will he dread the 20 minutes that he could be left lonely or picked on? Will he learn the curriculum? Will he learn the unwritten rules of social life? Will he learn his class route and locker combo? Will he remember and believe how awesome he is and that everyone is a
Little broken somewhere? And will he accept both his awesomeness and his broken? Will he be
Protected? Will I be able to both nurture him and make sure
He gets everything done each day that he has too? Can we get the to-do list done without breaking the spirit of growing up?
The only thing I can do is pray for him, for them all, for us all, and the most powerful, influential, meaningful thing I can do is pray for him. And for us all.
A free education is an amazing gift to be cherished. Awesome? Yes. Broken? Yes. Amen."
I always thought that I would be able to "control" my kids more than I actually can. I thought that telling my kids to stop and putting them in time out once or twice would solve the problem. I didn't know that the teaching would be SO constant. So, when I read this quote, it made me think about my own children. Will they remember all I have tried to teach them? Have I done enough to help them thrive? Have I given the confidence to be brave, to be a good friend even when it's not popular?
I started praying for their teachers. I haven't done that in the past but I feel inspired to do so now. Jinger Deason wrote to me and said that she's been praying constantly that her girls will find good friends and have the confidence they need. I felt pricked a bit because I realized that I could really be using the power of prayer much more than I am. So, from now on, I'm going to pray for their teachers and their friends daily. I'm going to pray that they can be kind and have courage to stand for what's right. I'm going to pray for their ability to learn and grow. I believe in prayer, so now I have to take that belief and turn it into action.
I think this is going to be a wonderful school year. I can't wait to see their progress. I have great hopes for all of their positive experiences.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
July 13, 2016
I guess I shouldn't only write when I'm feeling super emotional. It seems that I'm either in a really good mood or a rotten one when I decide to write. Today is just a normal day. We met with the cabinet guys this morning to discuss some changes we wanted to make to our kitchen. It was super helpful. They broke ground on our house this week. It was actually a funny experience. We were driving home from somewhere and I almost always stop by our lot on the way home before heading back to the apartment. As we rounded the corner on Cumberland Trail, I saw a tractor moving dirt around. I screamed, "Oh my gosh! That tractor is moving!" I heard four little gasps from the back seat and then everyone started screaming. I couldn't believe that they FINALLY started. It seemed like it never was actually going to happen but right there before my eyes, was a beautiful yellow tractor moving around OUR dirt! We drove up to the lot and took lots of pictures to send to Josh. I felt dumb as I rolled down my window and snapped 25 pictures of the man on the tractor. I'm sure he thought I was crazy at that moment, and that thought has been solidified over the past few days as we go by 3 or 4 times a day to take more pictures. I feel like the paparazzi.
Last night we drove by after seven to go walk around. It was so fun to see the progress. The kids climbed the huge mountains of red clay and had the time of their lives. They came away looking more like oompa loompas than my own children. Their faces, hands, and feet were covered in orange. We stuck them in the bath right when we got home and the water instantly looked murky. Josh and I could have stood there all night. We loved just being there and imagining what it may look like. It was a good night.
Josh and I have been trying to get pregnant for several months now without success. Every month that I start my period, I feel relieved though. I don't think it's quite time to have another baby. Josh is actually the one who proposed the idea to wait. Life is quite hectic right now and we are really struggling to have peaceful days with the kids. It's not the best time to have another child. I know life will always be hectic but with all that's going on right now, it's better to wait to have another baby.
Being a parent is only about one million times harder than I thought it ever would be. I think that things are especially hard right now because we're living in such a small apartment. There is no yard for the kids to run and play in. We're just cooped up and on each other's nerves all the time. I'm very much looking forward to having room to breathe when we move to our big house.
Anna started piano lessons last week. She is taking lessons with a girl in our ward, Audra Loyd. Audra has been living in NYC for the last several years and even attended Julliard School of Music. Our practices with Anna have been incredibly challenging. She very easily gets overwhelmed and frustrated. She cries and cries and gives up every time she doesn't understand something. It's been rough. I know that things will begin to improve as she learns how to practice and what to expect from each day. Once she really grasps that she can't master something over just a few days, I think things will turn around. The end of the week was much better than the beginning. She started gaining confidence and her pieces started sounding much better. I emailed Audra and told her how everything went. She tailored her next lesson accordingly, and I was so grateful. I want piano to be a pleasant experience for her and I think we're on the right track now.
I got asked to play the role of Mary Magdalene at youth conference this week. I'm excited to be able to help out. It's been really good for me to study more about the Savior. It's amazing how cruel the people were to Jesus Christ. I feel like I've gained a deeper sense of how heavy those days around his death really were. We're having a dress rehearsal for the event tomorrow. I am really nervous about it actually. I don't know anyone here so I feel like I can't be totally comfortable with them all yet. I need to just get over it. Prayer will help.
The Stake President called Josh a few weeks ago and asked if we could meet with him. We were at my mom's house that week so he said he would have the executive secretary call to schedule an appointment. That was almost two weeks ago and still no appointment. I thought he was going to be asked to be a member of the bishopric because our first counselor is moving. If that's the case, then I'm trying to enjoy my Sundays with him while I can. It's amazing how much easier it is to sit through church with two adults rather than one.
Overall, I'm feeling happier than I have in a while. For the last two months I feel like my depression has just been staring me in the face every day. It's been so much worse. I also have been taking less medicine so that I could get my body ready to be pregnant. I feel really relieved to not be getting pregnant just yet. I will be ready in not too long but for now, I'm happy to wait.
Last night we drove by after seven to go walk around. It was so fun to see the progress. The kids climbed the huge mountains of red clay and had the time of their lives. They came away looking more like oompa loompas than my own children. Their faces, hands, and feet were covered in orange. We stuck them in the bath right when we got home and the water instantly looked murky. Josh and I could have stood there all night. We loved just being there and imagining what it may look like. It was a good night.
Josh and I have been trying to get pregnant for several months now without success. Every month that I start my period, I feel relieved though. I don't think it's quite time to have another baby. Josh is actually the one who proposed the idea to wait. Life is quite hectic right now and we are really struggling to have peaceful days with the kids. It's not the best time to have another child. I know life will always be hectic but with all that's going on right now, it's better to wait to have another baby.
Being a parent is only about one million times harder than I thought it ever would be. I think that things are especially hard right now because we're living in such a small apartment. There is no yard for the kids to run and play in. We're just cooped up and on each other's nerves all the time. I'm very much looking forward to having room to breathe when we move to our big house.
Anna started piano lessons last week. She is taking lessons with a girl in our ward, Audra Loyd. Audra has been living in NYC for the last several years and even attended Julliard School of Music. Our practices with Anna have been incredibly challenging. She very easily gets overwhelmed and frustrated. She cries and cries and gives up every time she doesn't understand something. It's been rough. I know that things will begin to improve as she learns how to practice and what to expect from each day. Once she really grasps that she can't master something over just a few days, I think things will turn around. The end of the week was much better than the beginning. She started gaining confidence and her pieces started sounding much better. I emailed Audra and told her how everything went. She tailored her next lesson accordingly, and I was so grateful. I want piano to be a pleasant experience for her and I think we're on the right track now.
I got asked to play the role of Mary Magdalene at youth conference this week. I'm excited to be able to help out. It's been really good for me to study more about the Savior. It's amazing how cruel the people were to Jesus Christ. I feel like I've gained a deeper sense of how heavy those days around his death really were. We're having a dress rehearsal for the event tomorrow. I am really nervous about it actually. I don't know anyone here so I feel like I can't be totally comfortable with them all yet. I need to just get over it. Prayer will help.
The Stake President called Josh a few weeks ago and asked if we could meet with him. We were at my mom's house that week so he said he would have the executive secretary call to schedule an appointment. That was almost two weeks ago and still no appointment. I thought he was going to be asked to be a member of the bishopric because our first counselor is moving. If that's the case, then I'm trying to enjoy my Sundays with him while I can. It's amazing how much easier it is to sit through church with two adults rather than one.
Overall, I'm feeling happier than I have in a while. For the last two months I feel like my depression has just been staring me in the face every day. It's been so much worse. I also have been taking less medicine so that I could get my body ready to be pregnant. I feel really relieved to not be getting pregnant just yet. I will be ready in not too long but for now, I'm happy to wait.
Thursday, June 23, 2016
Feeling Good Today
I feel good today. In fact, I feel better today than I have in a while. A lot of times, there is no rhyme or reason as to why or when I have good days. I'm just grateful for when they come.
We went to the splash pad today. It was kind of small but the kids loved it. Well, most of the kids loved it. Jenna was very unsure of the whole thing. She would occasionally venture off on her own but only like five steps in front of me. I've noticed that Jenna seems to have a hard time in new situations. I'm sure it's just an age thing. She often cries or has a look of terror on her face while we try something new. I love her to death. I love watching Jenna run and seeing her sweet curls bounce as she goes. It just about melts me every time.
Anna has been super helpful today. I was downstairs taking care of some things for lunch and without asking, she took Jenna upstairs and got her dressed from her swimsuit into some dry clothes. Anna told me it was "stressful." I was so proud of her though for having such a sweet, mothering nature about her. Anna has just seemed so much older recently. I think I'm going to really like having older kids. It's fun to talk to them and see how easily ideas and thoughts come together. We've had to keep Anna up late every night since we moved here because the girls are now sharing a room. We put Jenna down to bed first and Anna has to wait for her to fall asleep before she can go in. We tried doing it the other way for a couple of days but it was disastrous. Anna has been such a champ with it all. I'm so grateful for her positive attitude. Josh and I have really enjoyed having the older kids to ourselves at night time. It's nice to give them some one on one attention without any interruptions.
We went to the splash pad today. It was kind of small but the kids loved it. Well, most of the kids loved it. Jenna was very unsure of the whole thing. She would occasionally venture off on her own but only like five steps in front of me. I've noticed that Jenna seems to have a hard time in new situations. I'm sure it's just an age thing. She often cries or has a look of terror on her face while we try something new. I love her to death. I love watching Jenna run and seeing her sweet curls bounce as she goes. It just about melts me every time.
Anna has been super helpful today. I was downstairs taking care of some things for lunch and without asking, she took Jenna upstairs and got her dressed from her swimsuit into some dry clothes. Anna told me it was "stressful." I was so proud of her though for having such a sweet, mothering nature about her. Anna has just seemed so much older recently. I think I'm going to really like having older kids. It's fun to talk to them and see how easily ideas and thoughts come together. We've had to keep Anna up late every night since we moved here because the girls are now sharing a room. We put Jenna down to bed first and Anna has to wait for her to fall asleep before she can go in. We tried doing it the other way for a couple of days but it was disastrous. Anna has been such a champ with it all. I'm so grateful for her positive attitude. Josh and I have really enjoyed having the older kids to ourselves at night time. It's nice to give them some one on one attention without any interruptions.
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Moving to Georgia
Josh and I are trying to get pregnant so I have cut down on my anti-depression medicine. I thought it would be much harder than it is but I've done surprisingly well. When I first started cutting back on my dosage, there were times that were really rough. It even got so bad one day that I had some kind of episode. We had gone on a family run one Saturday morning. I was feeling pretty depressed before we left and then the run turned out to be kind of a disaster. The kids were whining and fighting, I felt tired, Josh and I weren't exactly seeing eye to eye. By the time we got home, we were all upset and ready to be done. We had planned to clean out the garage so I sat down and started to get to work. I felt super strange and the room was spinning. It all of the sudden became very hard for me to sit up. It's like all of my energy left my body and then I just lost it. I have never had such a bizarre experience. It is hard to explain what happened exactly. I was crying uncontrollably. I didn't have the strength to sit up or even to open my eyes. It's like I was there but not there. I felt like I wasn't quite in a conscious state but I was at the same time. I even started twitching at one time. This went on for like 45 minutes. I finally got enough strength to sit up. We called my mom, unsure of what just happened. I felt pretty weak the rest of the day. Josh made me some lunch and then I took a nap. I felt better after I slept but the whole experience was strange and exhausting.
That was the worst of my "withdrawal" from the medicine. I'm now taking 1/4 of my dosage. I've had a few harder days recently but we also just moved to GA, we're in a small apartment, the kids are home for the summer, and overall I'm feeling cooped up. It's really not that bad but I feel like I have a new determination to start journaling more. Yesterday the Church released a video on depression. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was the key speaker in it and as I watched it, I realized something. I haven't been including God in my journey of depression like I should. I pray for help to be happy each day but that's all I do. I prayed last night to have help in including God in this major part of my life. As I was praying, I felt a prompting to write in my journal. In fact, I have felt that same prompting several times over the last few weeks and I haven't done anything about it. I think that journaling will be God's way of helping me to cope with my emotions. It's inspiration and I believe this will help.
It's amazing to me how much I grew to love my Florida family. We were so blessed to be in such a wonderful ward. The people we met there were so kind and helpful and filled with the spirit of the Lord. Moving to Georgia has been fun and exciting but also lonely. I know that it takes time to develop relationships but as we go through that time, it is a lonely feeling. I've found myself second guessing my character and my what I thought were strengths. Perhaps what I thought were once strengths are not as solid as I imagined. I get anxiety when I go into a large group of people who I don't know. It's hard for me to interject myself. It's hard for me to feel comfortable talking to large groups of people who I know nothing about. I've realized about myself that I am much more comfortable talking one on one or in small groups. Large groups overwhelm me. I start to feel my heart rate go up and I become short of breath. I miss my Florida family. I remember when we moved to Florida that I missed my St. Louis family. I know that I will develop a great love for the people here. I'm sure of it. I know it takes time. It's just a lonely wait.
That was the worst of my "withdrawal" from the medicine. I'm now taking 1/4 of my dosage. I've had a few harder days recently but we also just moved to GA, we're in a small apartment, the kids are home for the summer, and overall I'm feeling cooped up. It's really not that bad but I feel like I have a new determination to start journaling more. Yesterday the Church released a video on depression. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was the key speaker in it and as I watched it, I realized something. I haven't been including God in my journey of depression like I should. I pray for help to be happy each day but that's all I do. I prayed last night to have help in including God in this major part of my life. As I was praying, I felt a prompting to write in my journal. In fact, I have felt that same prompting several times over the last few weeks and I haven't done anything about it. I think that journaling will be God's way of helping me to cope with my emotions. It's inspiration and I believe this will help.
It's amazing to me how much I grew to love my Florida family. We were so blessed to be in such a wonderful ward. The people we met there were so kind and helpful and filled with the spirit of the Lord. Moving to Georgia has been fun and exciting but also lonely. I know that it takes time to develop relationships but as we go through that time, it is a lonely feeling. I've found myself second guessing my character and my what I thought were strengths. Perhaps what I thought were once strengths are not as solid as I imagined. I get anxiety when I go into a large group of people who I don't know. It's hard for me to interject myself. It's hard for me to feel comfortable talking to large groups of people who I know nothing about. I've realized about myself that I am much more comfortable talking one on one or in small groups. Large groups overwhelm me. I start to feel my heart rate go up and I become short of breath. I miss my Florida family. I remember when we moved to Florida that I missed my St. Louis family. I know that I will develop a great love for the people here. I'm sure of it. I know it takes time. It's just a lonely wait.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
I feel disgusting. I feel sad and angry and like I want to just give up on everything. I want to give up being a mom and a wife and just living. I hate it all. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm just so mad. When I'm mad, everyone is mad at me for not being happy. Today was supposed to be a good day. We were going to go meet Josh at school and see his new office. We were going to have lunch with him and enjoy an hour together. Instead it was incredibly awkward, forced, and filled with tension and hard feelings. Josh was mad at me because I supposedly snapped at him. I was mad at the kids. The kids were mad at each other. It was awful. Just plain awful. I feel like I can barely make it here. I can't handle feeling like this. I literally want to just curl up and be left alone. Being alone doesn't help. It makes it worse. So I feel trapped.
I know that none of this should be how I feel but it is. I have nothing else to say. I just want to escape.
I know that none of this should be how I feel but it is. I have nothing else to say. I just want to escape.
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