Feeling the Spirit

Today was a good day.  We went to church with cold hands and toes but were warmed by the spirit.  It was my turn to teach Gospel Doctrine.  I'm really liking this calling a lot.  It is so good for me because it is pushing me to study in a way that I may not push myself on my own.  Today's lesson was on faith.  I'm sure that everyone in that room has had countless lessons on faith before.  I think we all came together and shared our different insights and as a result, we all learned together.  I am slowly learning how to let the spirit lead my lesson and not my own agenda.  Today I was able to do that and it made all the difference.  The real objective for Gospel Doctrine is to be taught by the spirit, not by me.

This has been a hard week for us.  Well, it's been a hard week for me at least.  I called a therapist this week for Anna.  Anna is the most amazing girl with the best heart, but she is really struggling right now.  Josh and I feel like we've tried everything that we know how to help her and nothing seems to be working.  We really need to seek professional help.  I had a breakdown this week as I called to set up our first appointment.  The place is called "The Georgia Center for OCD and Anxiety."  When I read those words and made that phone call, I just lost it.  I felt like I had failed Anna as a mom.  I can't get through to her.  Maybe she's acting this way because of me and how I've raised her.  Why can't I make things better myself?  Does Anna have OCD?  Does she suffer from anxiety?  Is there something wrong inside her mind and she's trapped and dealing with it in the only way she knows how?

These were all of the thoughts running through my head.  I just cried and cried all day and into the night.  After we saw the therapist, I felt much better just because I was reminded that we do NEED this.  This is not normal.  We need help as parents and she needs help as a little girl learning how to grow up.  The thing is, I suffer with depression and it's awful.  It's a hard thing for me to deal with and when it's flared up, I feel like I can't control my emotions.  When I realized that Anna may be having those same kind of struggles, my heart began to ache for her.  I certainly don't want her to suffer in the same way that I suffer.  I certainly don't want her to feel trapped and chained by this emotional turmoil that is brewing inside of her.  My hope is that this therapist will really be able to give Anna the tools that she needs to take all of those raging feelings and control them.  This whole experience has been a good thing for me because it has certainly made my love and empathy for Anna grow.  I am her mom for a reason.  I am here to help her through these hard times and to love her more and more because of it.  That's my own personal goal in all of this.  I just want to show her that I'm here and that I always, always will love her.

This week has been really hard behavior-wise for Anna.  She's been especially hard on Andrew.  She can really hurt him with her words, and that is exactly what happened this week.  Josh had some alone time with Andrew this week and explained what is going on with Anna.  He told him that she's going to see a therapist to help her learn how to be kinder.  Josh encouraged Andrew to just be kind even when she's being mean because Anna is just having a hard time right now and we all just need to be there for her.  Well, it's no surprise to me but Andrew has been doing so wonderfully with this.  He hasn't been retaliating or getting overly upset, or yelling, or anything like that.  He's been helpful and patient and kind.  It's been so impressive to Josh and me.  I was driving home with him the other day and I was giving him praise for doing such a good job with all of this.  He then whispered, "I've never felt like this before."  I asked him what he was talking about and he response was, "I feel like I'm so happy that I need to cry."  My heart melted.  I told him that was the spirit speaking to him and telling him that Heavenly Father was pleased with his efforts.  It was such a sweet, tender moment.  I know Andrew has felt the spirit before but this was the first time that he really recognized it himself without too much prompting.  It was a great experience.

Fasting and the Christmas Spirit

It's been almost two months since I wrote on this blog.  I feel the pricking of the heart and know I need to be better at recording my thoughts and feelings.  Today was fast Sunday.  I didn't think about it until Josh kissed me goodbye this morning and reminded me.  I usually like to prepare for a fast by eating a big meal before I start!  Ha!  I know that's not exactly what I should do but nonetheless, that is how it usually works out.  So, even though my belly wasn't ready I decided to go forward and fast anyways.  Today my fast is for Anna.  I am fasting in hopes of feeling more love for that sweet girl of mine.  Anna is truly a special person with wonderful attributes.  She can be so amazing and helpful and kind.  However, lately we haven't seen any of those amazing qualities come out.  Instead we are really, really struggling to find peace.  Anna has a really hard time being kind to her siblings and to me and Josh.  She yells at everyone and just seems like an unhappy child.  It's tearing all of us down in the worst way.  Josh and I are going to seek professional help because we are at a loss as to what needs to be done next.  We do know that a change has to happen in our family.  We just can't keep going like this.  So, today my fast is for her.  It is also for me to feel more sympathy and love for her.  I often find myself not feeling any sympathy when she is acting out the way she does.  Without me feeling that, no progress can be made.  It's been hard but I know that this can improve and fasting is a great first step.

On another note, we are about to move into our new house.  We are so excited!  This has been the longest six months of our lives.  We are really hoping for relief and peace to come when we get a little more space.  The house looks beautiful.  Everything about it is my favorite.  I really love how everything turned out and I think it's somewhere that we can be really happy at.

It seems like the older I get, the harder life seems.  The weight of just every day burdens sometimes feels overwhelming to me.  My depression has been much better lately but my anxiety often makes my heart race.  I haven't been feeling very spiritually in tuned lately and I realize AGAIN that reading and studying the scriptures and praying with real intent is what makes such a difference.  I just can't feel the spirit like I need to without any of those elements missing.  It's vital.  It's such a simple thing but it truly is the key to unlocking the influence of the Holy Ghost.  I find myself often shocked by what power the Holy Ghost provides.  I feel confused, angry, doubtful, self conscious, vengeful, and many other bad things when I don't have the Holy Ghost with me.  I have learned that I really do need the CONSTANT companionship that the Holy Ghost can provide just to be happy.

The Church has launched a "Light the World" program.  For 25 days in December, we do acts of service that mimic the Savior's Life.  For example, Jesus Christ honored His father and mother so one day was devoted to that.  I wrote my parents an email telling them how much I appreciate all that they have done and continue to do for me.  One day was easing another's burdens so I did one of the "honey do" items that I initially would have asked Josh to do.  Today is worship the Lord thy God.  Besides just going to church to worship, I want to say a special prayer of just thanks to God.  Thanks for all of the many blessings around me.  I won't ask for anything, just give thanks.  I truly am grateful for all I have and I know that God is where all of my blessings come from.  I love this "Light the World" initiative and I'm hoping it will change my heart.  I'm hoping it will bring me closer to the Savior and help me to feel more of God's love for me.

It's amazing to me how every time I turn back to the Savior, I feel at peace and happy.  Any confusion or doubt or negativity goes away.  The Lord doesn't work through those means.  That is Satan's way.  I'm grateful for a loving God who only provides light and truth and hope.  

Good VS Evil Influences

I went to church today.  As I sat in Sunday School, I couldn't help but think of the previous week when I taught Gospel Doctrine.  Last week, my lesson did not go so well.  I felt like I really struggled to get little, if any, class participation.  It seemed that I was just not connecting with the group at all.  I finished the lesson feeling very upset and down and sad that I couldn't quite get it together.  This was also the weekend that we watched Aubrey and Brooke while Bryan and Ashley went to the BYU football game in Michigan.  The whole weekend was incredibly difficult.  We really struggled to just keep up.  On Sunday, Josh had early meetings so I had six kids under the age of seven to get ready for church.  AMAZINGLY we got to church on time but sacrament meeting was hard.  We had stickers going and fruit snacks and color crayons and stories.  I had to get up and leave with the kids three times.  One of those times Daniel was yelling, "NO MOM!!  DON'T HOLD ME.  YOU'RE HURTING ME."  It was rough!  Straight after one of the hardest sacrament meetings of my life, I had to get up and give the gospel doctrine lesson.  There were tons of people out that day because it was a holiday weekend.  So, numbers were few, emotions were low, anxiety was high, and I had to pull it all together in about ten seconds to give my lesson.  Exhaustion and forgetting to take my anti-depressant was a bad combination.
Anyways, back to today.  I sat in church today during second hour thinking about how I don't know if I can keep doing this.  I don't know if I can teach Gospel Doctrine anymore.  It's hard to get the whole class going and feeling the spirit and feel good about the whole thing.  I kept thinking, perhaps this was a mistake.  I shouldn't be a teacher here where most people know way more than I do.  I thought about what a great teacher Brother Dunford was and how I can never measure up to him.  My nervousness for my next lesson began to swell and I started to feel overwhelmed.   I leaned over to my husband and told him, "I don't know if I can keep doing this.  Brother Dunford is a way better teacher than I am."  He lovingly said to me, "That is Satan talking.  Stop it!"
I then realized that all of these thoughts were indeed coming from Satan, not from God.  These are things that the devil wants to put into my mind to weaken me, question me, question the calling that I received.  I had to get those thoughts out.  I don't want Satan in my head and heart.
I still feel very nervous about teaching again.  I hope my next lesson doesn't go as poorly as my last one did.  However, I know that I have to work hard and then just have faith that God will help me to teach with His spirit.  It is so good for me to be able to separate truth from evil influences.  When I can discern between what comes from God and what comes from Satan, I feel more confident in my abilities and in what God can help me to do.  I know that He will be there to help me along my way.

Handling Pornography

This past week, I was on Instagram looking at my friend's 16th birthday party pictures.  It was really cute and the publisher of this post put #sweetsixteen.  I clicked on the hashtag so I could see more sweet sixteen pictures.  Instead of seeing something happy and uplifting, I saw dirty, crude, sinful images.  I saw pornography.  I freaked out and turned if off immediately.  I was so taken aback.  I hadn't expected to see what I saw, and I certainly wasn't looking for it.  The image stayed with me throughout the day.  I had all of these questions in my head.  "Why would anyone choose to exploit their body like this?  Why would anyone put this on the internet for everyone to see?  Why would people choose to look at this?"  Even though I do in fact know why many people view pornography, I felt so uneasy and upset that I had seen this image by mistake.
That night, Josh and I were getting ready to go to bed.  I felt kind of nervous to tell him about what I had seen.  I'm not sure why I was nervous but I was.  I finally just told him, "I saw pornography today."  As soon as the words left my lips, I felt this distance between me and what I had seen.  Before I felt like the feeling I got from looking at this pornography was sticking to me like some kind of wet, dirty tar-like glue.  When I told Josh what I had seen, I felt like it wasn't stuck to me anymore but it was an entity that something I stumbled upon.  I felt in control again.  I felt more like this was a fact and not an emotional attachment that I had to reluctantly hold on to.
After I told Josh, I had the thought come to me that this is what I needed to teach to my kids.  When they see it, (because they will), they should feel comfortable enough to come and tell me or Josh.  It's not something that they have to hold onto.  It's not something that lessens their value or their worth.  They need to feel distanced from the sin of pornography.  I don't want these bad thoughts rolling around in their heads.  Talking about it openly and without judgment is what I want for each of our family members.

Andrew's Anxiety

It's sprinkling outside as I sit on my front porch of our apartment.  I'm watching the kids ride their bikes for some much needed outside time.  Jenna is happiest when she's playing outside, rain or shine.  I just had a few thoughts this morning.  Our move to Georgia has been surprisingly difficult for Andrew.  He has had major anxiety about being in Primary.  On the first Sunday here, the teacher let him out of his class without me coming to pick him up.  He wandered around the building for a long time before he finally found me.  Once he got to me, his poor face was swollen and blotchy and he was sobbing.  My heart broke for him.  I gave him lots of hugs and told him that I would never leave church without him.  However, it was truly a traumatizing experience for him.  For the next two months, Andrew cried every single day, sometimes uncontrollably, about the fear of being alone or being left.  He was so scared that I wouldn't be able to find him.  Every Sunday during Sacrament Meeting, he sobbed horribly to the point that we had to take him out.  Josh and I tried our best to comfort him.  We would come check on him several times during Primary.  We would leave our class early to be sure that we got to his class before the teacher released him.  Even with all of this extra support, Andrew still was suffering.  Each time we would go check on him, he was already crying.  The teachers had to take him out to show him where his class would be and to comfort him.  Some Saturday nights he would cry for two or so hours.  Once, I even had to climb in his bed and sing him Primary songs until he fell asleep because he could hardly bare the fear.
I think we've passed the hump of this fear but I've thought that before and then he'll have a really bad day.  I've been thinking about this and wondering if there is some lesson to be learned here.  I think we can see this as a very symbolic lesson to be learned.  Sometimes in our own lives, we may struggle to believe that God is really there.  We may feel alone and scared.  We may feel fear of facing life's challenges by ourselves.  We may feel anxious about the unknown.  However, just like Josh and I were there trying to comfort Andrew, our Heavenly parents are there trying to comfort us.  Sometimes Andrew wouldn't allow the comfort to settle in.  Sometimes he let his fear dominate his emotions.  Sometimes we do the same.  In order to have that comfort that we are so desperately needing in our lives settle into our hearts, we have to make a bit of a leap of faith.  We have to believe for a moment in the dark that someone is truly there.  We can't see God.  His words are not audible.  However, His presence is real.  His comfort is constant.  His love is never ending.  God is there for us always.  It was so easy for Josh and me to see that if Andrew could just trust us to know that we would be right there to help him feel calm, that all would be well.  He really struggled with that.  Sometimes we also really struggle with trusting God.  It's interesting too that when Andrew does start to believe that we'll be there for him that he is so much happier.  His fear and anxiety are diminished.  His spirits are lifted.  When we do the same with God, we too are happier, less anxious, and can feel of His love more.

Back to School

Today is the first day of school.  We just dropped Anna and Andrew off at Malcom Bridge Elementary for the first time.  New school.  New year.  New start.  Anna is going into second grade and Andrew into kindergarten.  They were both so excited this morning.  Anna couldn't even finish her breakfast.  I remember feeling like that on my first day, knowing I should eat but feeling too full of jitters to make room for one more bite.  Andrew cried last night because he was worried about riding the bus.  I think his teacher is perfect for helping him to feel loved and secure.  My heart is bursting with happiness for them both.  They both seemed so brave as we left them, ready for their new adventure.  

I was on Facebook this week and my friend Vonae Tanner wrote this about her boys.  I thought it was so good and exactly how I feel.  Read below. 


"Concerns of a school mom .
How will my child fit in ? Will the pull of popularity move him to join the mean gang, will the shunning of the popular leave him wounded and insecure? Will he find a good friend, will he be a good friend? Will he turn to me in times of pain, will I be aware enough to know that's why he's out of sorts? Will he be able to endure the 6 hours of structured activity and instruction with only a 20 minute break? Will he dread the 20 minutes that he could be left lonely or picked on? Will he learn the curriculum? Will he learn the unwritten rules of social life? Will he learn his class route and locker combo? Will he remember and believe how awesome he is and that everyone is a
Little broken somewhere? And will he accept both his awesomeness and his broken? Will he be
Protected? Will I be able to both nurture him and make sure
He gets everything done each day that he has too? Can we get the to-do list done without breaking the spirit of growing up?
The only thing I can do is pray for him, for them all, for us all, and the most powerful, influential, meaningful thing I can do is pray for him. And for us all.
A free education is an amazing gift to be cherished. Awesome? Yes. Broken? Yes. Amen."

I always thought that I would be able to "control" my kids more than I actually can.  I thought that telling my kids to stop and putting them in time out once or twice would solve the problem.  I didn't know that the teaching would be SO constant.  So, when I read this quote, it made me think about my own children.  Will they remember all I have tried to teach them?  Have I done enough to help them thrive?  Have I given the confidence to be brave, to be a good friend even when it's not popular?  

I started praying for their teachers.  I haven't done that in the past but I feel inspired to do so now.  Jinger Deason wrote to me and said that she's been praying constantly that her girls will find good friends and have the confidence they need.  I felt pricked a bit because I realized that I could really be using the power of prayer much more than I am.  So, from now on, I'm going to pray for their teachers and their friends daily.  I'm going to pray that they can be kind and have courage to stand for what's right.  I'm going to pray for their ability to learn and grow.  I believe in prayer, so now I have to take that belief and turn it into action. 

I think this is going to be a wonderful school year.  I can't wait to see their progress.  I have great hopes for all of their positive experiences.  

July 13, 2016

I guess I shouldn't only write when I'm feeling super emotional.  It seems that I'm either in a really good mood or a rotten one when I decide to write.  Today is just a normal day.  We met with the cabinet guys this morning to discuss some changes we wanted to make to our kitchen.  It was super helpful.  They broke ground on our house this week.  It was actually a funny experience.  We were driving home from somewhere and I almost always stop by our lot on the way home before heading back to the apartment.  As we rounded the corner on Cumberland Trail, I saw a tractor moving dirt around.  I screamed, "Oh my gosh!  That tractor is moving!"  I heard four little gasps from the back seat and then everyone started screaming.  I couldn't believe that they FINALLY started.  It seemed like it never was actually going to happen but right there before my eyes, was a beautiful yellow tractor moving around OUR dirt!  We drove up to the lot and took lots of pictures to send to Josh.  I felt dumb as I rolled down my window and snapped 25 pictures of the man on the tractor.  I'm sure he thought I was crazy at that moment, and that thought has been solidified over the past few days as we go by 3 or 4 times a day to take more pictures.  I feel like the paparazzi.
Last night we drove by after seven to go walk around.  It was so fun to see the progress.  The kids climbed the huge mountains of red clay and had the time of their lives.  They came away looking more like oompa loompas than my own children.  Their faces, hands, and feet were covered in orange.  We stuck them in the bath right when we got home and the water instantly looked murky.  Josh and I could have stood there all night.  We loved just being there and imagining what it may look like.  It was a good night.
Josh and I have been trying to get pregnant for several months now without success.  Every month that I start my period, I feel relieved though.  I don't think it's quite time to have another baby.  Josh is actually the one who proposed the idea to wait.  Life is quite hectic right now and we are really struggling to have peaceful days with the kids.  It's not the best time to have another child.  I know life will always be hectic but with all that's going on right now, it's better to wait to have another baby.
Being a parent is only about one million times harder than I thought it ever would be.  I think that things are especially hard right now because we're living in such a small apartment.  There is no yard for the kids to run and play in.  We're just cooped up and on each other's nerves all the time.  I'm very much looking forward to having room to breathe when we move to our big house.
Anna started piano lessons last week.  She is taking lessons with a girl in our ward, Audra Loyd.  Audra has been living in NYC for the last several years and even attended Julliard School of Music.  Our practices with Anna have been incredibly challenging.  She very easily gets overwhelmed and frustrated.  She cries and cries and gives up every time she doesn't understand something.  It's been rough.  I know that things will begin to improve as she learns how to practice and what to expect from each day.  Once she really grasps that she can't master something over just a few days, I think things will turn around.  The end of the week was much better than the beginning.  She started gaining confidence and her pieces started sounding much better.  I emailed Audra and told her how everything went.  She tailored her next lesson accordingly, and I was so grateful.  I want piano to be a pleasant experience for her and I think we're on the right track now.
I got asked to play the role of Mary Magdalene at youth conference this week.  I'm excited to be able to help out.  It's been really good for me to study more about the Savior.  It's amazing how cruel the people were to Jesus Christ.  I feel like I've gained a deeper sense of how heavy those days around his death really were.  We're having a dress rehearsal for the event tomorrow.  I am really nervous about it actually.  I don't know anyone here so I feel like I can't be totally comfortable with them all yet.  I need to just get over it.  Prayer will help.
The Stake President called Josh a few weeks ago and asked if we could meet with him.  We were at my mom's house that week so he said he would have the executive secretary call to schedule an appointment.  That was almost two weeks ago and still no appointment.  I thought he was going to be asked to be a member of the bishopric because our first counselor is moving.  If that's the case, then I'm trying to enjoy my Sundays with him while I can.  It's amazing how much easier it is to sit through church with two adults rather than one.
Overall, I'm feeling happier than I have in a while.  For the last two months I feel like my depression has just been staring me in the face every day.  It's been so much worse.  I also have been taking less medicine so that I could get my body ready to be pregnant.  I feel really relieved to not be getting pregnant just yet.  I will be ready in not too long but for now, I'm happy to wait.

Feeling Good Today

I feel good today.  In fact, I feel better today than I have in a while.  A lot of times, there is no rhyme or reason as to why or when I have good days.  I'm just grateful for when they come.
We went to the splash pad today.  It was kind of small but the kids loved it.  Well, most of the kids loved it.  Jenna was very unsure of the whole thing.  She would occasionally venture off on her own but only like five steps in front of me.  I've noticed that Jenna seems to have a hard time in new situations.  I'm sure it's just an age thing.  She often cries or has a look of terror on her face while we try something new.  I love her to death.  I love watching Jenna run and seeing her sweet curls bounce as she goes.  It just about melts me every time.
Anna has been super helpful today.  I was downstairs taking care of some things for lunch and without asking, she took Jenna upstairs and got her dressed from her swimsuit into some dry clothes.  Anna told me it was "stressful."  I was so proud of her though for having such a sweet, mothering nature about her.  Anna has just seemed so much older recently.  I think I'm going to really like having older kids.  It's fun to talk to them and see how easily ideas and thoughts come together.  We've had to keep Anna up late every night since we moved here because the girls are now sharing a room.  We put Jenna down to bed first and Anna has to wait for her to fall asleep before she can go in.  We tried doing it the other way for a couple of days but it was disastrous.  Anna has been such a champ with it all.  I'm so grateful for her positive attitude.  Josh and I have really enjoyed having the older kids to ourselves at night time.  It's nice to give them some one on one attention without any interruptions.

Moving to Georgia

Josh and I are trying to get pregnant so I have cut down on my anti-depression medicine.  I thought it would be much harder than it is but I've done surprisingly well.  When I first started cutting back on my dosage, there were times that were really rough.  It even got so bad one day that I had some kind of episode.  We had gone on a family run one Saturday morning.  I was feeling pretty depressed before we left and then the run turned out to be kind of a disaster.  The kids were whining and fighting, I felt tired, Josh and I weren't exactly seeing eye to eye.  By the time we got home, we were all upset and ready to be done.  We had planned to clean out the garage so I sat down and started to get to work.  I felt super strange and the room was spinning.  It all of the sudden became very hard for me to sit up.  It's like all of my energy left my body and then I just lost it.  I have never had such a bizarre experience.  It is hard to explain what happened exactly.  I was crying uncontrollably.  I didn't have the strength to sit up or even to open my eyes.  It's like I was there but not there.  I felt like I wasn't quite in a conscious state but I was at the same time.  I even started twitching at one time.  This went on for like 45 minutes.  I finally got enough strength to sit up.  We called my mom, unsure of what just happened.  I felt pretty weak the rest of the day.  Josh made me some lunch and then I took a nap.  I felt better after I slept but the whole experience was strange and exhausting.
That was the worst of my "withdrawal" from the medicine.  I'm now taking 1/4 of my dosage.  I've had a few harder days recently but we also just moved to GA, we're in a small apartment, the kids are home for the summer, and overall I'm feeling cooped up.  It's really not that bad but I feel like I have a new determination to start journaling more.  Yesterday the Church released a video on depression.  Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was the key speaker in it and as I watched it, I realized something.  I haven't been including God in my journey of depression like I should.  I pray for help to be happy each day but that's all I do.  I prayed last night to have help in including God in this major part of my life.  As I was praying, I felt a prompting to write in my journal.  In fact, I have felt that same prompting several times over the last few weeks and I haven't done anything about it.  I think that journaling will be God's way of helping me to cope with my emotions.  It's inspiration and I believe this will help.

It's amazing to me how much I grew to love my Florida family.  We were so blessed to be in such a wonderful ward.  The people we met there were so kind and helpful and filled with the spirit of the Lord.  Moving to Georgia has been fun and exciting but also lonely.  I know that it takes time to develop relationships but as we go through that time, it is a lonely feeling.  I've found myself second guessing my character and my what I thought were strengths.  Perhaps what I thought were once strengths are not as solid as I imagined.  I get anxiety when I go into a large group of people who I don't know.  It's hard for me to interject myself.  It's hard for me to feel comfortable talking to large groups of people who I know nothing about.  I've realized about myself that I am much more comfortable talking one on one or in small groups.  Large groups overwhelm me.  I start to feel my heart rate go up and I become short of breath.  I miss my Florida family.  I remember when we moved to Florida that I missed my St. Louis family.  I know that I will develop a great love for the people here.  I'm sure of it.  I know it takes time.  It's just a lonely wait.

I feel disgusting.  I feel sad and angry and like I want to just give up on everything.  I want to give up being a mom and a wife and just living.  I hate it all.  I can't seem to do anything right.  I'm just so mad.  When I'm mad, everyone is mad at me for not being happy.  Today was supposed to be a good day.  We were going to go meet Josh at school and see his new office.  We were going to have lunch with him and enjoy an hour together.  Instead it was incredibly awkward, forced, and filled with tension and hard feelings.  Josh was mad at me because I supposedly snapped at him.  I was mad at the kids.  The kids were mad at each other.  It was awful.  Just plain awful.  I feel like I can barely make it here.  I can't handle feeling like this.  I literally want to just curl up and be left alone.  Being alone doesn't help.  It makes it worse.  So I feel trapped.
I know that none of this should be how I feel but it is.  I have nothing else to say.  I just want to escape.

Tender Mercies

I feel like I have tender mercies come my way all the time.  I want to start writing them down so I can remember all of these blessings.

Just this week, I mixed up the days for my doctor's appointment and realized it at the exact moment that my appointment was supposed to start.  Anna would have typically already been in school that morning but she wasn't feeling well.  I called the doctor to see if I could go ahead and come in.  They said I could so I quickly loaded the kids in the car and took off.  As I was driving, I realized that if Anna had gone to school that morning, I would have been at least 20-25 minutes later and the doctor probably wouldn't have been able to see me.  Tender mercy!

Another tender mercy was that a long time ago, I had a forgotten my anti-depressant at home while visiting my mom in GA.  I called the doctor and they were able to prescribe me some more while I was gone.  When I got home, the pharmisist gave me another months' worth.  I had a couple of weeks extra.  Well, this week I ran out of my sertraline and my obgyn wouldn't prescribe me any more.  They said I had to see a phyciatrist.  Well, I called to make my appointment but they couldn't see my for two weeks.  I called my PCP, and they also couldn't see me for that long.  Josh is out of town now, and I thought I would have to be without my medicine and at home alone with the kids for several days.  I know how bad my depression is without my medicine and I cringe to think what it would be like without my companion to help me along the way.  Then, I remembered that I had been given too much sertraline earlier.  Josh went and found it in the closet and it is just enough to get me through until I can get a new prescription.  HUGE tender mercy!!

I Will Go and Do

1 Nephi 3:7

"And it came to pass that I, Nephi said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

I feel like this scripture really applies to our family right now.  We feel like the Lord has commanded us to go to Georgia, so that's exactly where we're going.  I have to admit though, I have had moments where I kind of freak out about living in a small town.  I think it will be hard for me.  However, I realize that the Lord told us to go there and so we will go forward.

I was listening to a talk yesterday that said that once the Lord commands us to do something, we should go forward with faith and not worry about what the future will hold.  I guess you could call that having a little chastisement.  I need to not freak out about what might happen but just go forth with faith that the Lord needs us there.  If that's the case, what else matters?

It is sometimes easy to lose sight of our eternal goal.  Sometimes I get caught up with what is right in front of me.  I'll think things like, "But what about my happiness day by day."  or "I don't think that this is what we need."  However, that's the great thing about prayer.  I have the assurance of the Lord, and that's all I need.  He knows the future and He knows our hearts.  He knows what we need now and in the future and He especially knows what we need to get back to our heavenly home.

Funny Kid Posts

Fun things that the kids said this week:

Andrew, "Daniel, get out of here.  I have to go potty."

Daniel, "Oh, cool.  Are you going to poop?"

Andrew, "Yep!  I have to go poop."

Daniel, "Ewe! That's disgusting.  Can I watch you, Andrew?"

Andrew, "No, I need my privacy."

Daniel, "Your piracy?"

Andrew, "Yes, get out!"



We were talking about dispensations in FHE and Daniel called it a dispenspaceship.


Andrew gets in my bed to snuggle with me every morning and says, "Mommy!  My snuggle bug.  What would I do without my mommy wommy woo woo woo?"

Life Changes

About two months ago, Josh was contacted by Arizona State and asked if he had any interest in interviewing there.  Honestly, the desert was the last place I wanted to go.  I didn't give it much thought at all.  However, after lots and lots and LOTS of talking and considering and researching, we decided to give it a shot.  We even started to get really excited about the prospect of moving out west.  There were a lot of positives that were very appealing to us.  We would live in a big city, have tons of Mormons around us, be five hours away from his family, have lots of really fun vacation spots within driving distance.  There were just a lot of perks.
About a month after hearing from ASU, we heard from the University of Georgia.  They also wanted to see if we'd be interested in moving there.  Again, neither of us wanted to go and didn't give it much thought.  With time, we started discussing the idea of, "well, would it be so bad?".  There were also lots of positives to be gained from moving there as well.  We'd be close to my family, we could live in a humongous house, it's an AMAZING department with great people and plenty of resources.  Now, things were looking up for both ASU and for UGA.
We came to the conclusion that if we really were going to move, we certainly wanted to make this decision together.  We bought me a plane ticket for Arizona and arranged for my mom to watch the kids.  We flew out to Arizona and drove all around trying to figure out if this was a place that we wanted to live.  We totally fell in love with it.  We loved the size of the city.  Everything was so new and clean.  There were temples everywhere.  It was like paradise!  We were so excited and everything went really well for Josh with his interview.
We got back on a Wednesday and on Saturday, we left for Athens to go check out UGA.  Going into it, we felt like Arizona was going to be a hard thing to top.  Our hearts weren't really into it.  Josh was especially convinced that Arizona was the place for us.  We again left our kids with my parents and drove up to meet some people for dinner.  We went out to dinner with one of the professors and his wife.  They were nice but he just wasn't all that impressive.  We got in the car later that night and just laughed and laughed about how they complained about the traffic IN ATHENS!!!!  We hadn't gotten to see the city by that point but just knew that this small town wasn't for us.
The next day we went to church with Ted Christensen.  He is the most amazing guy.  We loved spending time with him and his wife.  They are just in their own league.  The spirit that they carry with them is tangible.  Church was good.  It reminded us a lot of our Tallahassee ward, just a little smaller.  After church, we went to Ted's house for lunch.  That's when things really started to change for us.  Ted told us all about his experience and why he came to Athens.  He had been at BYU for quite some time and assumed that he would be there forever.  However, the Lord clearly had a different plan for him.  He got a call one day from UGA asking if he would be interested in coming to GA and becoming their new department head.  He said absolutely no.  He loved BYU and Utah and didn't have any intention of leaving.  At the same time, his wife was driving through GA on the way to the airport after a vacation and had the thought about how they used to love living in GA and maybe they should consider moving back there one day.  She called Ted and told him and he thought it was all some kind of joke.  He had literally just hung up the phone with UGA and he wondered if someone had put her up to this.  Long story short, they prayed about it for months and months and one day the answer came.  The Lord needed the Christensen family in Georgia.
He said that shortly after he got his answer, he was at a football game by himself in the middle of a blizzard.  Most of the people had left and he was by himself.  He said, "Lord, I know I'm supposed to go but why?  Why do you need me in Georgia?"  The thought came to him that was in his patriarchial blessing.  It said that he would be a missionary to his friends, peers, and colleagues.  Well, at BYU, all of his colleagues were bishops and stake presidents.  That's when he knew why.  He needed to go to Georgia to help bring people to the gospel.
The spirit was so strong in their home.  It really changed things for me.  Maybe the Lord needs us here.  I knew that this definitely had to be a spiritual decision.  Right after that story, we met with our real estate agent, Phil.  Phil was phenomenal.  I was so impressed with him and the huge wealth of knowledge he had.  He took us to some beautiful homes.  It was very convincing and very helpful to know what life would be like there.  I left after the real estate tour and Josh stayed to interview.  I didn't get to talk to him again until after everything was over.  He said that he was so incredibly impressed with the whole department.  He loved it there.  He said everyone was top notch and just as kind as could be.
So, now we were left with these two big decisions.  Georgia or ASU?  Ahh!!  It was so tough.  We struggled and struggled.  We talked about the pros and cons about one thousand times.  We street viewed, we researched, we prayed and prayed and prayed.  Josh was getting physically ill with worry.  We both wanted to make the right decision so badly.
One night we were laying in the bed talking about all of this and we had gotten pretty deep into the conversation when Josh said, "Do you know what I think?  I think we should move to Georiga."  I about fell over.  I didn't think he would ever WANT to move there.  He said as soon as he said it aloud, he felt the spirit really strongly, and he knew that it was the spirit confirming to him that this was the place we should move.
I felt so grateful that he felt that great confirmation.  However, I did not feel one way or the other yet.  I told him that I still needed to get an answer for myself.  I kept praying and praying and studying and trying to figure it all out.  I felt sad and anxious because I really wanted to know what to do.  I didn't feel like Josh's answer influenced me at all.  I was probably leaning more towards ASU.  After about four days of all of this, I woke up and started reading my scriptures.  I really was hoping that if I read enough, I would get my answer because I would be able to feel the spirit more easily.  Nothing.  I went to Josh and cried as he held me in his arms.  I wanted to know!  That night, we were watching a show when Josh got an email from John Campbell.  It was quite long and incredibly nice.  Josh read it out loud and as he read it, I just started crying.  I felt the spirit and thought, this is what we want.  This is right.  This is where we're supposed to go.  I cried a little more and told Josh my feelings.  We were both so happy that we had both gotten our answers.  I asked him if he thought it was okay for me to call my parents.  He thought we should, so at 10:15 at night, I called my mom and dad.  They were sooooo excited.  They totally thought we were going to ASU.  We talked for a long time about all of the possibilities of the future.  It was a really fun conversation.
The next day, we called Bryan and Ashley.  They were screaming and yelling and just so excited.  It was so fun to tell them.  We're both still feeling really good about it.  I had a freak out moment yesterday and felt super anxious.  However, I've calmed down and feel good about it all again.
We're going to wait about a week before we tell UGA so that we can be really sure.  This is a huge decision and we want to make sure we make the right one.  It's all very exciting.